SPORTING THE GAYKINI

As the sky turns blue, the weather warms, and little twittering birds circle my head, thoughts turn to warm soapy water and long pulsing hoses, spurting to the the throbbing disco beat of my old boom box- OOMP-chicka- chicka- chicka- OOMP-chicka- chick.....It's time for a church car wash. My runny nose and persistent cough is testament to the fact that the Catskill "Social Season" is upon. The past week I've shaken more hands, passed more joints, and nuzzled more germ infested babies than I had the entire winter. No wonder I'm dying.
   Of course the first question on the congregations' fever blistered lips is "When's the next church?" My answer "Halloween." is met with icy stares. WTF? I explain that I am in the midst of a hot artfag streak, filling the church with objects, paintings and drawings and have no time, nor room, to deal with such foolishness. As a consolation prize I've proposed a BIKINI CAR WASH. The last time we had such an event was on the occasion of the first Spring Baptism Church back in 2010. It was a great success. But, as always, my use of the word "bikini" draws disapproving frowns from the females of the congregation. I can read their minds- "again with the objectification."

   I love language. I couldn't compulsively write for year after year for no money if I didn't. Language and writing is just like the art, or the music making process. Every day, there it is, laid wide open for you to fuck with. All you have to do is grab it by the vagina. When most people hear the term "Bikini Car Wash" they think of those cheezy, cologen lipped events, usually held in Florida, that squirt sex at you like a bad  8mm "stroke film". Even after all these years, I'm sorry to say, the church ladies still don't get it.  "Bikini" is a generic term- like "supermodel" or "fag" or "gay" or "jew". All body types and garments are appropriate. Does anybody remember how KU KLUX KLOWN got his ass whooped by those "foxy boxers"? Was THAT objectification?  Was THAT racist? I don't think so.
   No one knows better than I that you can't please everybody. As a spiritual leader I'm always open to the wishes of the congregation. I'm reaching out to all the local Ashrams (it means community) and the entire Hassidic population of the county. Bring those dirty mini-vans and SUVs to 143 Old Glen Wild rd. Sat. May 25, 2013 from 2-6pm for a car wash and sunset BBQ. It's good clean family fun. As for the next church service, I have three words for you- wait for it.