MEDICAL EMERGENCY VAMPIRE BLOOD DRIVE CHURCH

I know it's not even fourth of July, but that doesn't mean we should not start thinking of the theme for the next Halloween church. Word should be out, to the degree, that the congregation is aware that there will be no summer churches this year. The primary reason for this is the fact that I spent the winter making "art".  The entire CLGM sanctuary is now filled with objects and canvases. There's just no room for the foolishness that a service entails. The master plan is to close on the Glen Wild Shul deal by late summer, move the work into that building and hold a service in late October. We have a great tradition of Halloween Octoberfest churches. Drinking and dress-up go hand in hand in this belief system. My beer swilling "Hitler on vacation" costume is always a big hit.
   Initially we had thought of doing an Apres- ski fondue service. This is still a great concept. Picture supermodels in tight turtlenecks and stretch pants, dipping chunks of fresh bread into steaming hot tubs of bubbling cheese. I'm already salivating. But, outside of Contessa Hughes-Freeland, nobody seemed into it. Admittedly, it's a little hard to read the mood of the inner circle. They show all the enthusiasm of a Prozac dosed yogi waiting to have his teeth worked on. Then there is the BAND OF ALL FAITHS. You want to have reason to hate people? Start a band. Organist Tricky Traviss is always hard to find, and even harder to corral for rehearsals. Birka Budde is preggers AGAIN! In the words of Buddy Budde "No, it wasn't a mistake." I believe him. There's so much breeding and birthing going on on that farm, I think Birka wears a vagina thermometer around her neck. "I'M OVULATING!" is what passes for foreplay over there. Then there's the constantly changing conga line of drummers- Drekes, Jarvis, Wyndum, a non-existant bass player....and finally the so-called musical director Slick. Try getting him on the phone or have him return an email. I'll say no more.

   This church would never have survived all these years if I had much else going on in my life. So it falls to me to try my best to rally the troops and stir up enough enthusiasm to write a few hymns, rehearse once or twice, and come up with a theme....or three.  To this end I present for your approval the theme for the next service- Medical Emergency Vampire Blood Drive Church. Being the geezer of the CLGM, I recently have had a spate of niggling little medical problems. All winter long I was cold. Surprise. My house barely gets above 50 degrees with the woodstove blasting. I'm tired and achey. Hummmmm?....Lyme? Age? Pot smoking? Laziness? Pick one. So, finally I decided to go to the doctor. After three test tubes of blood were drawn, they found out I have a hypo-thyroid (so far that's all). Symptoms- fatigue, aches, cold all the time, groggy thought process......Bingo! Give me those pills.        
   After a couple of days of taking my medicine, i feel better already. Yesterday GNJohn, King of the Jews- Pigpen Rothman and I paddled miles down the Neversink in our kayaks, and I never felt better.  I've already checked with nurses Ginger and Betheroo about drawing blood. They haven't committed. They mentioned something about losing their nurse's licenses. But I'm not worried. I'm starting to think clearly again and feel warm as toast. How hard can it be to draw blood? And I know everyone can benefit from a little medical attention. GNJohn's proctology booth will be wide open and all the supermodels are excited to shop for white stockings, garter belts, those funny nursey hats and stiletto heels. My plan is to draw as much blood as we can and donate it to those in need. It's a pretty anemic county. I've already ordered a bunch of hypodermic needles, a stethoscope, zip-lock bags and made room in the fridge. Start writing down all your symptoms. Let the healing begin. Now turn your head and cough.