WILL NOT TORTURE OR KILL

 I promise. Maybe this was the kind of "detail" the Party Pirates wanted when I went into negotiations for the lion. You know, you'd think I wouldn't have to state such an obvious thing, but these days nothing is obvious. Not so long ago bears were being pitted against dogs on 2nd. Ave. and half-naked men were put in cages, with no rules and told to fight until.....wait a minute that's on Pay per View. It's not only lion rental services that want some guarantee when it comes to the safety of their charges.  Governments like Russia want to be so assured when it comes to returning an American citizen to his own soil. You heard me. The fact that NSA whistleblower Eddie Snowden still sits in a Russian airport no man's land has given Putin and his henchmen the unbelievable opportunity to take the high ground and put the screws to Uncle Sammy. It's as if the writers from South Park were told to come up with various juvenile ways to get under Obama's skin. " OK.....wait.....wait.... I got it. Make Eric Holder suck Biden's cock and ..........no....no..... Make Obama crap in Diane Fienstein's......wearing a I Hate Pussy Riot...... and make sure he posts it on Youtube."
    Why the Hell our man Snowden ended up in Hong Kong and then Russia is a mystery to me. With all the world for this cat to launch his campaign against illegal ease dropping, he ends up in one of the worst places on earth for personal expression. Ask those two young woman from Pussy Riot (still in prison) if Russia's a good place to keep the government out of your shit. From the git go, all us old timer "performance artists" thought "there but for the grace of God...", as the PR girls were arrested, imprisoned and silenced. So far the USA is home of the free for me. But as the State Police cars slowly drive by the cage.....this may change at any moment. I can read their minds. "What is this guy up to now?"
    We live in the kind of world were our Attorney General has to stipulate, in writing, that if the Russian government would be so kind as to return Edward Snowden to the United States, on a one way flight, we promise not to seek the death penalty or "torture" him. Here's the catch on that term torture. Nothing we have done to "enemy combatants" in our post-911 world is admittedly torture. Strip him naked. Hood and shackle him. Put him in a tiny cell, with the air conditioning on full, the light never going out and Taylor Swift's new album on constant shuffle and still we are nowhere near torture. Then we will try him for treason in a military court and seek life without parole. Bradley Manning is the canary in the coal mine. And it looks like he just fell off his perch. Snowen and Assange will be next. Let me just say: I will not harm any lion that may come my way. So help me LGM.