OVER THE LINE?

One last reminder to come to church. The only service of THE CHURCH OF THE LITTLE GREEN MAN in 2013 will take place tomorrow evening at 8pm, here at 143 Old Glen Wild Rd. in Glen Wild, NY 12738. I know I bitch a lot about the lack of enthusiasm and overall malaise when it comes to putting a church together. But when all's said and done, we usually rise to the occasion. Compared to the old days in the East Village, we are true professionals. Back then we were lucky to spend one or two smoked up sessions writing hymns before any given service. Rehearse? Unheard of. But we were young then. And for some reason nobody seemed to mind if we didn't know the chords or words or have any talent. The believers lined up to burn their dollars, just to be part of the scene.
   As the time nears to convene, I check off things to do- paint toe nails gold, safety pin pants, secure ammunition and firearms, get propane for eternal flame......I'm prepared. Is everyone else? I can't help making suggestions for uniforms. Slick"Oy Ve" Druckman always comes up with a good costume. One service he was a kosher hot dog. Another found him representing a mini-van full of Hasidics. My suggestion, to everyone's horror, was shaved head and striped Auschwitz prisoner pajamas. What? Look, it goes with the Jewish theme. Slick looks good with a shaved noggin and PJs are comfy. What's the problem? Next you'll be telling me my theme restaurant names are in bad taste- JOODLES, AL KABAB, JESUS CRISPS. Or maybe just BAD TASTE is enough. Either way Beeks put the kibosh on Schindler's Pajamas. Oy Vey's uniform will be a surprise. Lets move on.
   Next came Sister Nun of Your Business fashion dilemma. The habit always works, but we try not to repeat ourselves. So taking a cue from "Squeaky" Teehoo Frome, who had decided to rock the Little Green Man-son girl wear, Sister NOYB thought Sharon Tate would work. I wholeheartedly agreed. One hot blonde channeling another hot blonde, who just happened to be brutally murdered by a crazed bunch of assholes, could work. But as the good sister delved into the Helter Skelter of those days, the whole thing freaked her out. I can understand that. Yet, instead of going as pregnant, bloody Sharon, why not beautiful, radiant, glamour puss Sharon? Hmmmmm? That could work. Crisis averted.
   My uniform is being pressed as we speak. I'm polishing my medals and loading my gun. The service promises to be a good one. After years of trying to get puppets for church we have scored with puppet royalty- Amy Trumpet Girl of The Bread and Puppet Theater. There's a lot of pressing issues for the church- casino gambling and fractal drilling. I say vote NO on each. Gamblers are stupid and I hate fractals in my water. But that's just me. This is a very head strong congregation of free-thinkers. The last thing I'd want to do is tell you how to vote or dress. We'll settle it all at church. Just remember to bring a dollar to burn. We'll take it from there.