FELONIOUS TRUMP*

 I’ve had good luck on past election days. I shot my first buck with a bow on election day years ago. On this day, Bird, Savage and I decided to sight in our guns (muzzle and rifle) down at Bird’s new firing range behind his house. We organized a little shopping trip to the Thruway Market first for muzzle supplies and ammo. It had been a while since I bought 30.06 shells, so I was surprised when the salesgirl said, “Let me get started on the paperwork.” Huh? For bullets? That’s right, all you wannbe school shooters. Now you have to fill out forms and pay $2.50 so they can search you in the Federal system before you mow down your classmates. As luck would have it, the system was down, this girl told me after waiting 15 mins. as she fiddled with an old PC. “It may take a while.” She frowned. I didn’t have all fucking day. I told her to forget it and returned the shells. I have no patience for such bullshit. No. I could not have my $2.50 back, she informed me.

 

We got pizza, the muzzle supplies, and left. By the time we got home and set up at the range it was about 1pm. The plan was to sight in the guns and then hunt the last two hours of daylight, which we did. Both my guns were so far off I’m surprised that I hit anything last year. But with Bird and the guru encouraging me to get my irons zeroed in, I finally was hitting close to the bull. No excuses this year. Now all I needed was to see a deer.

 

The afternoon’s hunt produced nothing, not even a fucking squirrel. But a happy hour with the fam. and a special appearance by the visiting Victoria V. Montana made for a great pre-game. We all felt pretty confident that Kamala was a sure thing. Won’t it be nice to never have to listen to Trump again? we told each other. We drank, ate peanuts and by 8 pm I was driving back up the mountain with a little buzz on.

 

The next stop was Slick’s to drink whiskey, smoke pot and wait for our first female president to be called by AP. He had no food either. A few beers, some peanuts, and now whiskey on empty stomach was making me feel that maybe the Democrats had miscalculated. That looked like a lot of red all across America on the TV screen. My stomach grumbled. Slicked turned on John Stewart. This would cheer us up. Nope. Even JS couldn’t raise a laugh. Fuck. What was happening? I left around 11:30, went home, made some oatmeal (that’s all I had in the house) watched Aljazeera for another hour, then went to bed.

 

Whatever, whiskey, peanuts, beer and oatmeal make in your stomach, you could probably run a small municipality on the gas I was producing. I farted my way to 3 am, when I had to pee. I checked CNN before I peed. Trump -269. Harris – chump change. WHAT THE HOLY FUCKING FUCK FUCK? Not only was Trump clinching the “rigged” electoral college count, but he was also on the path to get the popular vote. One pundit blamed black men. Another one blamed suburban white women and hillbillies. I blame every fucking idiot that voted for the man. By morning Trump had his victory….and I had diarrhea.

 

Where to now? By 8am the whole cluster-fuck had been normalized. We now had our first fascist, convicted felon in the White House. No biggie. Goodbye Jack Smith. Pack yer bags. After Trump finishes taking all the ass-sniffing, brown nosing phone calls from leaders around the globe, he’ll golf, get a couple of hookers, and start moving his Gestapo chess pieces: RFK, Jr., Musk, Bannon, Steve Miller, etc. all around the board. Get ready, the lunacy will start very shortly. With no more Nazi rallies to get his fix, he’ll be bored and very dangerous. Once again, the American public will be the flies whose wings he will pull off, very slowly. You assholes didn’t learn the first time around. I got to say, you deserve just what you’re gonna get. Make America Eat Shit AGAIN! It's gonna be wild!       

*If there is any silver lining in this mess, it’s the fact that the Democrats are the best losers on the planet. (Plenty of practice). If they know how to do one thing it’s the peaceful hand off of power. “Need anything Mr. President?” they reach out to Trump “However we can help settle your autocratic, fascist, mean-spirited, criminal, ass back in the oval office…….don’t hesitate to call.”

 

PUUUULLLLEEEEZE let me see a decent buck soon!