Tuesday, November 17, 2015



 First it was ISIS. Then it was ISIL. Now it's Daesh. Loosely translated in Arabic Daesh means bigot. It's a cut every time Kerry says it. ISIS has decreed that anyone who utters it shall have their tongue cut out. Daesh....Daesh....Daesh. Take that you fuckers. Charlie Hebdo's cover shows a French man "bleeding" wine. The headline reads: THEY HAVE WEAPONS. WE HAVE CHAMPAGNE. The glove is coming off. We are so helpless against these guys. We have wit and humor and a sense of irony. They are action junky, attention whores, who only seem happy spilling blood. Makes one pine for the good old days of Fascism, that could be beaten into submission by technology. There is no weapon more effective than terror. We're pretty good with drones and Star trooper shock and awe, muscle marines, but we don't come close to mowing kids down at a rock concert. How do you beat that?
    So I propose we go in the other direction. Many times I've had this conversation with Pigpen"King of the Jews"Rothman, and we both agree. Fight fire with absurdity......and of course porn. The prototype for my secret weapon against Daesh was shipped today from China. It is a "mascot like" costume, complete with body suit, gloves, shoe covers and styrofoam head with antlers. Previously known as "Rudolph", this Daesh will be fitted with a rainbow confetti-bomb suicide vest and briefcase filled with pornographic magazines and DVDs. The strategy would to be to parachute in a select group of CIA black-ops, targeting Daesh strongholds. Once on the ground, these operatives would organize house parties and mosque socials, acting as US goodwill ambassadors, firing off confetti bombs and distributing the porn. We may not stamp out terrorism. After all it is a concept. But I think we can definitely win over a few hearts and minds.   

Sunday, November 15, 2015




  Back in the day, when I still lived on the Lower East Side, and we held churches in basements and strip clubs, a kid gave me a CD for his band- KYUSS. He dug the CLGM and I dug his groovy- desert jam rock. We hung out a bit and then I lost touch. Every once in a great while his name (or the band) would come up with a mutual friend and I'd get the news. He became kinda a rock star with another band called QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE. I never heard them, but I heard they were good. Then, on Saturday morning I got an email from my buddy, who kept track of "the kid's" career. His name is Josh Homme and he's got another band called EAGLES OF DEATH METAL. Although Josh wasn't there, his band was on stage when those assholes stormed the theater in Paris, Friday night, killing over 100 people. The band made it off stage unscathed, but one of their friends who handled the merch. was killed. The audience had no where to escape.

   The anti-Islamic xenophobia has been swift and severe. Politicians like Jeb Bush are taking a break from time-travel, in order to stir up the hatred towards Muslims, separating them from the Christian refugees streaming out of Syria. Christians are welcome. Muslims stay away. I may have been baptized as a Christian as an infant, but I had nothing to say about it. I never joined a church nor declared myself anything other than a free agent. So out of curiosity I googled "Muslim conversion".
    Turns out, like most religions, (the CLGM included) it's pretty easy to sign up to Islam. What the hell. It's a little like saying "Biggie Smalls" in the mirror three times. Then, Allah-ka-Zam: Yer a Muslim. Repeat after me:
1. I testify "La ilaha illa Allah, Muhammad rasoolu Allah."- There is no true God, but God (Allah) and Muhammad is the messenger (prophet) of God.
2. Accept Islam as your religion and not worship anything nor anyone except God.
3. Believe that the Quran is the true word of God.
This is called the testimony of the faith or Shahada. OK. I said it. Done and done. I'm a Muslim.

As a Muslim I condemn all acts of violence against my fellow man or woman, be they Christian, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, brother or sister Muslim, or any believer or non-believer. Feels pretty good to speak as a true believer. I don't know how long I can go without pork, and they're a little vague on just how many wives I can have. We'll just have to see. I'm sure apostasy is right around the corner. But in the meantime, you fuck with a Muslim, just for being a Muslim and you're fucking with the CLGM. And then in some countries leaving the faith will earn you a death sentence- so there's that. We'll just have to take it one day at a time. Je suis MO. May the LGM bless Paris and the EAGLES OF DEATH METAL. Just don't blame us Muslims.


Thursday, November 12, 2015



Aside from being one of the best band names I've heard in years, this is an actual news item....I think. You never can tell on the internet whether an item is for real or some Onionesque joke piece by some douche at The New Yorker. If it's legit Jeb Bush says given the opportunity to go back in time "Yes." he would snuff out the little fetus Fuhrer  before he could wreck havoc on the world at large and the Jews specifically. On the other hand Dr. Carson would not kill-baby-Hitler, citing his Christian anti-abortion beliefs, that would not allow him to do so. The fact that any candidate for president would dignify this question with a response tells us way more about the men and the race, than their responses could ever elucidate.
    Hypothetical time travel questions is where journalism is at these days. Watch the National evening news and they will cover the crash of a plane into a house as the lead story, (just for the fiery video) leaving ISIS, and Syria in the dumper. And if we're lucky we get a cute puppy or a feel good sick kid piece at the end. I always tear up. It's no wonder I'm wrapped a little tight these days. The rut may or may not be kicking in. Who knows. It's been raining all week. Then this afternoon I got a call from Shewho. She'd tracked down a blurb book I'd been waiting for. The book is MISSIONARY- a sweet little piece I did in 1978. It documents me trying to get to know a 12 year old boy in SF. Shewho said UPS dropped it off at my "local post office". This is where it goes bad.

   My post office worker is an old, slow, relatively inept, Brit. The PO itself is tiny, cramped and overflowing in packages. The duffer is in his chair, facing away from me. I notice a package, about the size of the book I'm expecting, so I turn it to see if it's addressed to me. The old guy spins in his chair, leaps to his feet, and screams at me "SIR! DON'T TOUCH THE PACKAGES!" I've never seen him move so fast. I'm taken aback, trying to explain to him about the UPS package that supposedly was dropped off Nov. 4.......but he isn't hearing me. He continues to lecture me about NEVER touching a package, etc., etc. I go on the boil.
   What follows is 45 mins. of me trying to get Lord Wifflebottom to find my book, as he resists, accepting no blame, and continues to bark at me and look over his stupid glasses. In the process I not only touch, but move around his packages, further infuriating him. Luckily the window is too small for me to leap through and strangle him. Finally he gives up trying to get on line to UPS with his ancient PC and refuses to do any more for me. I'm so pissed at this point, my elbow inadvertently catches on one of the packages, scattering them all over Lord W. If i could have travelled back in time I definitely would've have aborted his mother. No questions asked.

Tuesday, November 10, 2015