Labels: pHOTO:r. KERN
Labels: pHOTO:r. KERN
I came out of my house the other day to meet Irish Liz and her brother-in-law Shmoolie (some names are too good to change) coming out of the church. They hadn't seen all the new work since Xmas time. ILiz thought it was sufficiently "Halloweenie." And it blew Shmoolie's mind. Shmoolie is one of the more enthusiastic parisioners. You all should take note. Show some Goddamed interest would you? But back to Shmoolie. He's on the lion. When's he coming? Have I got him yet? Male or female? He's grilling me. And here is where I think I do my best work. I actually begin to believe what I'm saying. In his obsession with wanting to make me the new Duck Dynasty Hillbillie with a White Beard, I calmly explain to my devotee, that we have all already won the lottery. There is no need to hustle or scam or sell yourself to anybody at any price. We have already attained Nirvana. The cage merely awaits. I prepare a place for you. Get it? And if we really need cash we got Diamond Dave. ILiz cringes.
Labels: PHOTO: Diamond Dave
I promise. Maybe this was the kind of "detail" the Party Pirates wanted when I went into negotiations for the lion. You know, you'd think I wouldn't have to state such an obvious thing, but these days nothing is obvious. Not so long ago bears were being pitted against dogs on 2nd. Ave. and half-naked men were put in cages, with no rules and told to fight until.....wait a minute that's on Pay per View. It's not only lion rental services that want some guarantee when it comes to the safety of their charges. Governments like Russia want to be so assured when it comes to returning an American citizen to his own soil. You heard me. The fact that NSA whistleblower Eddie Snowden still sits in a Russian airport no man's land has given Putin and his henchmen the unbelievable opportunity to take the high ground and put the screws to Uncle Sammy. It's as if the writers from South Park were told to come up with various juvenile ways to get under Obama's skin. " OK.....wait.....wait.... I got it. Make Eric Holder suck Biden's cock and ..........no....no..... Make Obama crap in Diane Fienstein's......wearing a I Hate Pussy Riot...... and make sure he posts it on Youtube."
Labels: pHOTO:r. KERN
Following the lead of The Church of England, the elders here at the LGM have decided to branch out of the soul saving business, and into the banking business. I don't know why it's taken so long for a church to see the advantages of loosening the purse strings and raking in the interest on the back side. Who's got mo money than the Vatican? Hell, just the head gear alone is worth millions. Maybe it's just that old story of Jesus kicking the money lenders out of the Temple that has painted all bankers with a broad brush. Get over it people. That was a long time ago. Strip clubs learned to put ATMs right alongside the swedish meatball buffet. Like church, once they are in the door, you don't want them leaving for ANY reason. And like strip clubs, a church is a cash business. You may burn one to get in, but everyone knows that the collection plate is eventually coming around. And we don't take plastic.
Leave it to the Brits to take all the fun out of everything. First it was fox hunting. The bleeding heart, tree hugging, PETA people find no joy in saddling your trusty steed, leading him from the stables, trailed by a pack of howling hounds, as you don your tight white britches, shiny black boots, velvet beanie, scarlet red waistcoat, codpeice and buttplug, slip the toe of your boot into the silver stirrup and.....giddy-yup. Or is it tally-ho? In either case, a hunting we will go no more. Foxes throughout England are rejoicing over chicken dinners everywhere. And they better vaccinate that new royal baby against rabies. That's not a Yorkie in the garbage.
Labels: PHOTO:© GEORGE HOLZ
No. We didn't hit the donkey. In fact, upon reflection, I'm not sure I even saw the stupid thing. It could've been a deer. Hell, it could've been a giraffe for all I know. In any case: home- safe and sound. After a day to lick my wounds, I'm back in the cage. People keep asking about the lion. Where ya? How ya? Can ya? I honestly did not expect all this questioning when I started building the cage. For some reason, my community thinks I'm always trying to pull one over on them. Even though in my entire career I've never tried to flim- flam anyone, it seems I have a certain look in my eyes. Cops recognize it immediately. More than once I've been asked if I've done time, spread eagled against my car. "My pistol permit is in my back pocket, officer." So today I finally googled "Lion for rent". A bunch of real estate agents with Lion in their names came up. This could be harder than I anticipated.
As the Catskill Social Season continues at a good clip, those long, languid days of summer are quickly blurring before our bloodshot eyes. Before you know it we'll be sipping toddys and loading up the woodstove. The Majestic Farm pig roast a distant memory, this weekend found the local scenesters gathered on the lush lawns of The Denniston Hill Foundation. These shindigs are becoming more and more fun, relaxed and chill. Or maybe it's just all the cold beer and good chow provided by new resident Lez Parks. Lez and Manny are the weekend power couple who have taken to classing up the local quizzine. Fresh pork from Majestic, fresh veggies from Trussbridge, fresh cider from Andy and Polly all whipped up by LParks and did I mention the Brooklyn Lager....?
Mupp called the other day. "Now that Shewo is up here, how about the two of you going on a double date with Ginger and I?" My immediate reaction was horror. Is this what my life had turned into- going on old people forays with my brother and sister-in-law? Was Yani in town? Then he explained that old friend Ted Horowitz (aka bluesman Poppa Chubby) was going to be playing at a roadhouse in Middletown. I guess I could pry my ass off the mountain for a double D for that. Of course I didn't have to ask Shewho twice. After being involved in one way or another for 25 years, this was our first formal date. Should I buy a corsage?
This is what George Zimmerman told an interviewer after he was asked if he had any regrets concerning the killing of Trayvon Martin on a rainy sidewalk in Sanford, Fl. Last night the jury found Mr. Zimmerman not guilty of the charges of 2nd. degree murder or the lesser charge of manslaughter in the death of TM. God's will? I know ya'll can't wait for hunting season and an end to this frustrating discourse. But hey, it's only mid-July. The bucks are still in velvet and we gotta have something to talk about. So in the meantime it's murder trials, hunger strikes, racism, espionage and the ongoing quest to see supermodel tittie on the air. Bare with me.
Labels: pHOTO:mARIANA rOTHEN
As my mother was fond of saying: "4th of July- summer's over." So, as many of you would like to ignore the fact, Halloween is right around the corner. Time to get to work. And as it always seems to rest with me on these issues, a theme must be chosen. This is what I've decided. (see title) This theme encompasses a lot of choices for sexy costumes and hymns. As we all know, THIS is why we go to church. I'm picturing fanged supermodel nurses in undead dread locks, squirting syringes filled with dark rum, and shotgun smoke spleeves into sinner's mouths. Any takers?
Labels: Photo: George Holz
I heard about this piece this morning on BBC. Someone was interviewing the guy who made the film of a performance involving Mos Def. He described rapper Mos Def, now known as Yasiin Bey, undergoing a a procedure that Guantanamo Bay prisoners endure twice a day. Because almost all of the prisoners are now so desperate, within their indeterminate constraint, they have almost to a man decided to stop eating. This hunger strike is countered by the U.S. military doctors forcibly feeding the prisoners. To draw attention to this heinous, torturous act, Yasiin set up a very real tableau and with three cameras rolling, handcuffed and shackled, held down by two muscled men, three doctors tried to replicate the procedure. STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE is the film. I heard it on the radio, then went to work on the LION CAGE and didn't see the film until a little while ago.