WHAT IS A DONKEY PUNCH
The other night I was snuggled up to the wood stove in single digit country, when the phone rang. "Hello." "Hello." "Who's this?" "Who's this?" By now I usually hang up or figure out who's yanking my chain. Right before I clicked off..."Hey Uncle Mike. It's Esak." It was my nephew from the hills of Me. He and his buddy Walker Rothchild were down in this neck of woods putting on a roof in the middle of January. The weather had been so mild in Me., they figured working down here would be like vacationing in Florida. Trouble was the temps had dropped and snow was coming. Oh well. I had a big pot of venison chili on the stove and was grateful for the company. Things get lonely up here in the winter. The youth had arrived.
The next few days the boys showed up after dark with micro-brew six packs and good herb. Walker had a good looking German Short hair pup that locked onto Ray Gilkey for a stare down. The cat was curled up in the chair and Rico the dog had his drooling snout laid right on the cushion, just inches away. Neither moved a muscle. After a while the three of us humans got tired of watching them and talk turned to politics (show business for ugly people). We speculated the pros and cons of which Republican douche bag may get the nomination. Then Walker informed me of a little known fact. "Do you know what a "Santorum" is?" I'll bite. "It's the viscous coating of ass fluid and cum that covers your dick after anal sex." At that the cat blinked and a blur of teeth, claws, screams, growls and fur erupted five feet off the ground. Ray got a good swipe in and I think for a split second was caught between Rico's jaws. Walker grabbed Rico and Ray escaped up the loft ladder. "Jesus! That's disgusting." I said when everything died down. And I don't mean the animals.
The internet is a beautiful thing. When Rick Santorum compares gay sex with animal fucking, some smart geek fag gets on Wikipedia and look out. I just got used to Reverse Cow Girl. I had no idea how many terms there were out there for various positions and perverse sexual activities. Not to be out done Esak asked if I knew what "Riding the bull" was? I just shrugged. "Next time you are having sex from behind lean over and whisper into the person's ear- "I've got AIDS." Then see how long you can hang on." Sensing a theme here? Ray sat on the ladder and didn't take his eyes off the dog. "What's a Donkey Punch?" I asked. I truly didn't know. Earlier that night I had flipped by TMZ. The whole bunch was giggling at a wrong answer on JEOPARDY. The answer was A BLOW TO THE BACK OF THE NECK NAMED AFTER AN ANIMAL. The guy buzzed in and confidently said "What is a Donkey Punch." TMZ cracked up, as Alex never faltered. I had no idea what the joke was. Want to know what it is? Google it. I'm too disgusted. Just know it's not quite as bad as being Gingriched.