Sunday, May 26, 2013

EPISODE ONE- BOX OF SHELLS: THE SUCCESS OF FAILURE

 Memorial weekend 2013 started Friday night with the arrival of 'duardo- HWSTV camera man and his beautiful wife and daughter, Cicalli and Layla. Next came Chuck McC, his wife the Contessa Hughes Freeland and their son (and CLGM Cardinal) Tristan Epic. Lastly we all awaited anxiously to see if the stars of the weekend would show. Around 8:30, in came the supermodels- Hollie Witchey, Mystery Girl and the newest member of the team French stunner Tangerine. The cast was complete. Shewo outdid herself with another one of her amazing meals. The idea was to get up at 5 am and hunt the morning behind The Hollie Witchey Project. Obstacle number one: the weather.
   It wasn't snowing, but it was almost cold enough. As we ate, drank and partied into the evening the wind whipped the trees and rain hammered the windows. Maybe 5 am was being a little too optomistic. No turkey worth his salt would talk in this weather. Pour me another glass of wine. Issue #2- we were all going to be hungover.
   When 'duardo and I showed up the girl's house at 8 o'clock, they were just having tea. Out came the guns, the camo, the face paint. They were all wearing frilly babydoll teddys and sexy French lingerie that suupermodels always seem to sport- even on hunting trips. The turkeys wouldn't know that sexed up gear was under that camo, but the girls (as well as 'duardo and I) sure did. It can make the difference between missing a bird or making that kill shot. Confidence is everything in this game. Some times sexy undies is the ace in the hole. We were out the door.
    Once Mystery Girl located the birds, I motioned for Tangerine to stop sexting and sit against a big oak tree. Mystery Girl disappeared behind a bush and Hollie took the 12 gauge and nestled between my legs. The turkey roared. He was coming through the high grass.
    
     Now I know from the outside it may look like I have it all together. But huntingwithsupermodels is not all nuzzling and cavorting. This was serious business killing an animal as wily as a tom turkey. I instructed HW to aim for the weenus. "Put the sights right on the weenus and squeeze..." I whispered into her ear. Then something unexpected happened. Ms. Witchey wouldn't put her finger on the trigger. She was moaning and not in a good way. She looked like she was gonna cry. Could we switch shooters without that tom making us? I turned my head towards Tangerine. "Ca va?" I asked. "Cava!" she answered and with the grace that only high end runway models have, they switched places. The 12 ga. echoed. The tom fell dead. I looked at 'durado and he gave me the thumbs up. Money.

  Later that day we were to have a bikini car wash and cow branding. Immediately we were in trouble. 30 mile per hour wind, streaking rain, not to mention highs in the low 50's, sent the supermodels into a tailspin. It was decided to postpone the BCC until today and try to brand Rosie the cow. Around 4:00pm I stuck the pointed cane branding iron in a webber grill filled with hot charcoal. I was already getting heat about the branding from PETAJohn and Pigpen. Now others were joining the chorus of protest. I tried to ignore them. They were a vocal minority. Full steam ahead.
    Once in the field, Carlito lassooed Rosie on the first throw. Things were looking promising. A minute later, as Rosie drug him across the field, plowing furrows with his boot heels, things weren't looking too good. This cow weighed 500lbs and was not liking the gathered crowd and rope around her neck. In a swift move by Diamond (cowboy) Dave, he had the rope wrapped around a tree, and Rosie immobilized. Quickly I  inked her nose and was handed two large sheets of paper, in order to pull "nose prints". That done, we were ready to brand. I sprinted across the field to fetch the hot iron, and rushed back to the cow. I showed it to Carlito and he stated flatly. "Not hot enough." There was no way we were going to keep this cow attached to this tree, while it got hotter. I thought fast. This was my out. "Carlito proclaims the iron is not hot enough. Rosie will not be branded today." I announced. Then with the help of RNButch and Cowboy Dave, Rosie was let free to the cheers of all the "Free the Cow" folks.

I just got a call from the supermodels. Thankfully the sun is shining, but Mystery Girl and HW both have the sniffles and Tangerine is taking a warm bubble bath. They just aren't feeling it for the Bikini Car Wash. I'm disappointed, but just a little. It was a great first episode of HWSTV. Hollie failed to make the shot (for personal reasons), but Tangerine, stepped seamlessly in and made the kill. Rosie didn't get branded, but I pulled two great prints and appeased the hypersensitive animal fags by holding an unbranding. It's too cold for a bikini car wash today and that's OK. Can't change the weather. Oh yeah, I did buy a bunch of explosives and was planning on stuffing a turkey decoy with feathers and ordinance and blowing it up for a great finale. I shot a full box of 30.06 shells at the bird and never hit the bomb. Wait for the outtake reel where I cuss every shot and nothing happens. And stay tuned for the next episode of HWSTV.
  

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