Friday, August 16, 2013


 As you all know, i don't have kids. I have cats and surrogates. Both the cats and the surrogate children are dealt with in similar ways. If it's really cold out I'll let them in the house. Otherwise they are on their own. I feed them when they bitch enough and my lap is always open for a short visit, providing they don't scratch or drool too much. These surrogates can be related or not. I feel the same about all of them- Swifty, Skype, Mathew, Lil Bobby, Tristan Epic, Wheels Budde, Junebug Caprice, Lucas Diamond, Ooo-la-la Short, etc., etc. There are too many to mention. They are all great kids. But I must admit, because Shewho is my sole heir, Teehoo is just a titch closer to my heart. She'll eventually get all my firearms.
    I never met Teehoo until she was the ripe old age of 13. We hit it off immediately. She had just tamed a wild whitetail doe, having her eat out of her hand and named her Daffodil. Now that's a girl after my heart. She's now about to turn 18 and I like to think my surrogating had a little effect on her. She's got a birth father and that's about the nicest thing I can say about him. But that's another blog. Teehoo and I have the exact same fashion sense. Her switch from fashionista to rocking ripped up, old man clothes saved her mother thousands. She's smart, lively, cute as a I gushing too much? Alas my favorite little surrogate is not perfect. Augmenting the birth parents in guiding my charges can be problematic. Like I say, the little fucks are not perfect. And no parent wants to hear that.
    I try to treat them like adults from day one. As the gurgling, pooping little shits are held in my arms I'm whispering little known facts about their parents and cluing them into a little philosophy they may find helpful when they get their sea legs. As consciousness develops, they begin to resent me, screaming at the top of their lungs when i enter a room. This eventually passes and we become friends. Meeting Teehoo so late in life has put us both at a disadvantage. She never went though the screaming phase. So when I criticize her unwillingness to get up from the couch, turn off MurderTV, maybe help her mother or clean her room or just make her bed or ride her bike or breathe fresh air, or help me with the lion cage, or read a book or shoot her pink .22 or get a's because she's special to me. i love her and want the best for her. She's like Ray Gilkey. I love all three cats, but Ray is my favorite. So it is with my surrogate Teehoo. Don't any of you others think I love you any the less.      


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