Thursday, May 8, 2014


Yesterday it was nothing but bad news. Meth- heads are chainsawing burels off living giant redwood trees in California, global warming is frying Kansas, devastating the wheat crop and next door I watched as Dennis the donkey killed a big white goose. He had the poor thing by its neck, prancing about, as all the other barnyard animals- llamas, ostriches, ponies and horse, bellowed in horror. The noise alone sent chills down your spine. Oh yeah and supermodel Adrianna Lima ran into a bus mirror, laying her out on the sidewalk. When the goose was dead, Dennis just walked off. I'll be the first to admit I was a little shook all of this.
   I don't know how much of this behavior we can attribute to global warming, but I'd say except for Ms. Lima, quite a bit. I'd bet your bottom dollar Dennis' blood thirst and the meth- heads' need for cash, anywhere they can get it, as well as the stunted wheat, is driven by unseasonable cold in the east and a massive drought and heat wave in the west. The science is there. But try convincing a screaming llama or a very confused and saddened draught horse of the science. All they know is the loss of a small feathery friend and the justifiable hatred for that big dicked donkey Dennis.
   Then, as i sat on the deck drinking a beer and pondering it all, up pulled a couple of bearded gentlemen. I recognized them as the same pair that had dropped by last summer in a shiny, vintage Pontiac convertible. They were the "biker Rabbis". One had lost his faith (in the cult) and the other retained his, yet was going "upstate in Trenton" for a little vacation (if you know what I mean). Damn! I couldn't believe my luck- two....but wait I hear the throaty rumble of a Porsche.....make it 3 wise men. In pulled Diamond Dave to round off the holy trinity. Shalom brothers.  Although the two rabbis had never met DD before, they had so many "Jews from the hood" in common it was like old home week. Talk about a reality show. "Tell me, why is there shit smeared on the lady's room of the shul?" I could tell by the looks on their faces that they really knew nothing of the women of the congregation. Could it be some de-sanctification ritual that the women never tell the men about? I wouldn't blame them. Time to take down the divider boys.
    As happy-hour with the 3 wise men progressed we covered many issues and solved many problems facing our fast paced 21st century lives. I can tell that the faithful biker rabbi is dreading Trenton State and who could blame him. I advise him to be himself- a wise Jew and not to sing too loud in the yard. It pisses off the Moslems. He informs us of his "hot wife" and we assure him that we'll all do whatever we can as a congregation to look after her. What's her address again? As we part I make sure they all know about HILLBILLY HEROIN CONFEDERATE FLAG BURNING OLD TIMEY CHURCH on Sunday May 25 2pm. When they leave I crack another beer, lean back in my chair and feel a warm glow of satisfaction come over me........FUCK! I forgot to ask them about Dennis. Who ever heard of a carnivorous ass?  It's gotta be global warming.          


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