LA CHAPITA

The house lights dim as the small framed young woman totters on her high heels, straightening her tiara, barely able to keep the large bouquet of flowers in her arms. "I want to.....(sniffle) thank....(sob)....just everyone....." She smiles shyly. "It's been quite a journey." Daintily she dabs her eyes with a lace hanky. "Everyone has been so kind. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be standing on this stage tonight. But there's one person in particular I'd like to especially thank......" The young woman struggles with something hidden in her bouquet of roses. It looks to be......is that a gun barrel?

One year before the Miss Universe contest.

In a brazen, well planned escape, El Chapo Guzman leaves his Mexican prison cell in order to retain control of his drug empire and return to his 25 year old beauty queen wife. The surveillance video shows a short stocky, mustachioed man pacing back and forth, then disappearing into the floor. The rabbit hole he jumps down is a mile long engineering marvel, complete with lighting, ventilation and a crude motorcycle trolley. Judging by the scope of the project construction must have begun the day he was locked up.
   None of this is surprising for a Mexican drug lord of El Chapo's stature. But what caught my attention in this tabloid fueled saga is the pictures of EC when he was captured. In all the tussling to get him in the car I saw his mustache move. That caterpillar  was fake. And look at those man boobs! Damned if Chappy wasn't in it for the long game. He must've started his regime of hormones as soon as he was locked up, knowing full well that once he flew the coop everybody would be looking for a 60 year old man, not a sexy young woman.
   Enter "The Donald". Say what you will about Mexican Narco traffickers, to a man they are extremely patriotic. Once Trump started shooting his mouth off about all Mexicans being "rapists" and "killers" El Chapo knew it was time to get back into society and have a positive impact on global politics. As we speak a team of experts are whipping that flabby "girl" into shape. Plastic surgeons are slicing away the years. Mrs. Chapo is giving her husband all the tricks of the trade. "Wet your lips. Smile. It won't kill you. Shoulders back. Stick 'em out there. You got a great pair." La Chapita is forming. She knows she can win. That Uzi will fit nicely in the winner's bouquet. That will be the end of of The Donald. You go girl. We're all rooting for you.