UNCLE GRANDPA

As my nieces and nephews start to pop out the spawn, my brothers and sister-in-laws are forming this closed little club. It's called grandparents. They positively glow with smugness. "I want to be called Pop-pop or Nana or Mima or Granny, or etc, etc." Wallets and pocketbooks are bulging with baby pics and every weekend is either a trip to "the kids" or another shopping spree to load up on crap for the newcomer. And where is Great Uncle Osti in all this? Shut out. I have to admit I'll never be a grandfather. Christ, I'll never be a father. It's just too late in the game. Sure, if I had the money I'd buy one. But in this economy that's not looking promising either.

Then, yesterday I was laying on the couch recovering from a week long cold, watching some movie, when a character called her great aunt- Aunt Grandma. I perked up. Hmmmmm. That had a nice ring to it. Could this be a way to join the club? Great Uncle just doesn't roll off the tongue. But Uncle Gramp- that's another story. So I'm giving notice to my great niece Payton and my great nephew Matthew. That's what I want to be called. In the meantime you can just call me UG. Coochi-coo.