THE "I DO" APP

  It may say "Baptisms, Weddings and Funerals" on the sign by the road, but weddings are not my favorite activity. Sure, I've been to some great ones, and even had a couple of my own, but overall I find them a big waste of time and money. Recently I was at a party talking to a really charming Gay fellow, discussing gay rights. "Going in the army, getting married and adopting kids?" he questioned. "Avoiding those things wasn't the only reason Gay looked good to me......but it sure didn't hurt." These days, equal rights to indulge in all these institutions are a big deal to a lot of people- Gay and straight. So when my youngest brother Duke informed me that he was planning a big wedding on the coast of Maine, on labor Day weekend, I didn't immediately reach for the party pants. Marriage? LABOR DAY? BUGFUCKNOWHERE, ME. ? Oh man. I'm soooooo excited.....
    But, a brother is a brother and there was no way I could bow out. Shewho and Teehoo were hyped to go and I, in all good conscience, could not be the party pooper. We piled our crap in Shewho's car and headed north. I have no cell phone and my eyes are too bad to even read a map anymore, so it fell to Shewho to be the navigator. When we got off the highway in Me. we were completely at the mercy of the little blue dot. Shewho knew better than to turn on "the voice".  Every time we missed a turn Shewho caught it and I reacted. I hate being lost. It's a control freak thing. I admit it. I can be a real asshole when I don't know where I am. But we got there in spite of me.

   The coast of Me. is just like you'd expect. The rock beaches are shrouded in an ocean caressing mist, that eventually lifts to reveal such beauty it can choke up the most hard assed, jaded New Yorker. OK. Maybe this wasn't so bad. Duke and his betrothed Becky are a great couple, with loads of great friends. Add family from both sides and you really can't go wrong. They said their vows ankle deep in the ocean as gulls circled and seals wondered Whatthefuck? By the time we had gathered under a white tent, with the mosquitoes as big as the gulls, I was beginning to change my mind about weddings. A couple sang a hauntingly beautiful acapella version of a Georgian ballad to the new marrieds and the toasts kept coming. Could it be that I was wrong about weddings?
   After an 11 hour ride home in bumper to bumper traffic and torrential downpours, my newly acquired attitude regarding nuptials has wavered.....just a bit. I heard on the radio that someone has developed an app. to detect incoming bombs, for the big chunk of the world's population that has to worry about being poisoned by their own government or killed by our drones. Even I'd have a cell phone if I lived there. So why not develop a "marriage app." ? From proposal, to guest list, to gift registry, to wedding band, vows, party, honeymoon, first fight, etc., this all could be done on line. Loved ones could follow the whole thing on Youtube from the comfort of their livingrooms. I haven't quite worked out how consummation would play with Grandma and Grandpa, but it's still in the early planning stages. It's a hard choice- drive for days to party hard, cry my eyes out, argue (and make up) with the woman I love, laugh, dance, get drunk with Teehoo, hug everybody, toast my new sister-in law and hang with almost my entire family.......or get a cell phone? I guess weddings are here to stay.