VAGINA OR ANUS?

  In 1993, before I left the Lower East Side for the mountain side, I started wearing camo and stopped shaving and cutting my hair. By the time I moved, I had long braids and a full grey beard. 20 years later I still wear camo, have long thinning hair and a white beard. Along with Abraham Lincoln, I feel I started this whole Williamsburg beardo thing. I used to get ragged on for being a hippie. Now the point of reference is those quacks from DUCK DYNASTY, A&E's hit reality TV show of the Louisiana clan who made a fortune making duck calls and TV episodes. At any point in public I can get asked to make someone a duck call. I get it. Funny. To my taste the show is unwatchable. Banal workplace hi jinx is sprinkled with homespun Christian dogma and dinner table prayer circles. Cut their hair and beards and it would be the Pat, not Phil, Robertson family.
    Now comes a GQ article on clan patriarch Phil's likes and dislikes. Vagina? Yes. Anus? A big fat no. Obviously no backdoor action for Miss Lilly. In amongst some Biblical misinformation Phil goes on and on about his dislike for homosexuals and their UnAmerican, terrorist practices. Like that old lady racist cook last year, reality TV producers are getting a taste of just what it's like to be "real" in Amerika. These fat cats may be writing (and cashing) the checks from NY or LA, but the talent is running wild, unchecked in the sticks. And now A&E is doing furious spin control. I want to be a fly on the wall when the producers sit heavily armed Phil down in the trailer and explain to him what year it is. I haven't read the article, but the low points are all over the internet. In response A&E has "suspended" Phil from current filming. Translation: Go on vacation and let this die down. And don't give interviews, you idiot. Let us pray it blows over.

   Crackpot Biblical references cited in order to justify hate speech and action has been used by fundamentalist Christians forever. And obviously the TV watching American public lapps it up. Everything is OK as long as you bow your heads at the dinner table and give thanks for those big A&E paychecks. Maybe Phil speaks for the whole family, maybe not. I don't really care. All I know is I know how to fix the problem. Bring back the fags from QUEER EYE for a Xmas makeover special with DUCK DYNASTY. Let the Fab 5 loose on the whole bunch. Whore up the ladies and shave and trim the rest of the cast. And as both casts don snowflake sweaters and sway to Silent Night, have all the QUEER EYE boys kiss the quackers from DD. If it was on HBO I'd say full on anal sex would be the only thing that would keep it on the air. Merry Xmas. You look fabulous.