Saturday, May 31, 2014


Scapegoat Butch had a farm- OMGMO. And on that farm he had a camel, an ostrich, a horse, a llama, a pony, a goose, a duck, a chicken, a mule and Dennis the big dick donkey- OMGMO!

   Shewho and I are sitting on the deck, knocking back a couple of mojitos and watching the sunset last night. In between planning our impending nuptials (looks like next June) we marvel at the view. Storm clouds drift by, pierced by bright rays of sunshine as all SB's creatures, great and small, munch peacefully on the electric green fields across the road. We are truly blessed to reside in this bucolic little bubble. The problems of the world at large seem so far away. No sooner do we express this thought and give thanks to who or whatever, than a horrible, piercing scream emits from the paddock. We both lift our noses from our mint infused concoctions to witness Dennis run against the back fence line, a small white creature, clashed by the neck, between his big donkey teeth. Not again!
   Last weeks blog #CARNIVOROUSASS documented the blood lust of this donkey, as he strangled a big white goose. Now he had what appeared to be a small furry lamb in a death clasp. It sounded like someone dipping a baby in a vat of boiling oil. Instinct kicked in. I set down my drink, ran across the road, jumped the fence and headed across the field, adding my own screams to the mix. Behind me I could hear Shewho's moans of distress. Add to this the fact that all the other critters recognized how wrong this behavior was and it looked like a scene from ANIMAL FARM. Every creature was in high stress mode, myself included. My heart was pounding as I got close enough to realize it wasn't a lamb, but a small black and white goat that was getting the treatment. The horse and pony reared up and tried to kick Dennis, but he was too quick. The llama head butted him to no avail and the mule just looked helpless and forlorn, as all the geese squawked and flapped their wings.
   Within 30 yards of the mayhem I found a little stick. In this orgy of violence I had no idea how I would get this ass to release the goat. The donkey whipped the goat by the neck, slammed it to the ground and was about to crush it's skull, about the time I got close enough to have an impact. Before I could wing my little stick, Dennis was distracted enough by my screaming, that he loosened his jaw for a split second. It was enough. The goat escaped, got to his feet and like a streak, scurried under the fence. Dennis stood there, drooling, red eyed, glaring at me. If he was to attack I had no defense. Lucky for me all he wanted was that goat. All the other animals scattered as Dennis heaved and paced the fence line, hoping for another chance. Then, except for my heart pounding, all went quiet. Tragedy averted.
   Around midnight, when Shewho was sound asleep, I slipped out of bed. I had an old florescent orange kid's life preserver in the trailer. Silently I packed the vest with "menonite" explosives and crept across the wet field in the moonlight. The horse and llama looked at me and nodded. The geese formed a single file leading me to the spot where the little goat was curled up, licking his wounds. He lifted his head and looked me in the eye. He knew what had to be done. It was the only way. "77 kid virgins." I told him. I felt a tug on my pant leg. It was one of the ponies. He bowed his head and a short piece of braided gold rope and a rainbow medallion fell to the ground. "We all appreciate this." he nayed. So far this morning it's been quiet. Take note Carlito: If you hear a blast, this time it's not my Italian neighbors.    


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