ISIS BEHEADS SANTA. ELVES VOW REVENGE.
Leader of the free gift giving world S. Claus was executed yesterday by The Islamic State. It had been widely reported that the rosey cheeked philanthropist had been missing from his workshop for some time now. Speculation had been rampant as the shopping season fast approached, leaving his inner circle of elves leaderless at a time of great importance in the decision making process. At first it was rumored that Mr. and Mrs. Claus had taken a well deserved vacation with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. But when Mrs. Claus turned up in rehab and the power couple were not in attendance at Brangelina's recent nuptials, North Pole resident's worst fears were confirmed.
It seems while on a sleigh ride over Ukraine early in the summer (possibly ordered by the CIA) Rudolf was struck by a stinger missile, sending the sled into a downward spiral and crash. The surviving reindeer were reportedly executed and eaten by Ukrainian forces. Santa was then taken prisoner and traded with ISIS fighters in return for 20 cases vodka and a promise to crucify Putin. In a Youtube video released yesterday Santa appears clean shaved, confused and in an orange jump suit, kneeling before his steak knife wielding executioner. He seemed to have lost the twinkle in his eye. He addressed the boys and girls of the world, telling them that this year he would not be keeping track of who was naughty or nice, and basically everybody was on their own. He advised moms and dads to shop early and mentioned that the new iphone was.......and then he was decapitated.
Condolences from around the world have poured into Santa's North Pole workshop. Mrs. Claus, who remains in seclusion, released a statement expressing her deep sorrow at the loss of her husband and echoed his sentiments, also encouraging everyone to shop early and not be swayed by Samsung's new product line. She wore a red, white and blue apple on her holiday sweater. In a rare move of solidarity with Elfin forces President Obama suggested changing CHRISTMAS to CLAUSMAS, removing CHRIST once and for all from the holiday. How this will effect the economy is anyone's guess. As the world mourns the loss of a great capitalist icon, one can only speculate where this will all end. The EASTER BUNNY did not return any of our calls. Pray for his safety.