PARTY LIKE IT'S 1899

   It started with a sleigh ride last Saturday. What the rest of you call "sledding". After happily feeding my little great-niece Leeci cheezy potato chips, around a bon fire, trying not to lose a finger, I decided it was time to grab a sled and trudge up the hill. Hell, I could still do this. What's the big deal? The snow was soft, and the hill slow, sitting or laying on my belly, it shouldn't be a problem. I pointed the plastic kid's sled down the hill and flopped on.
    The first thing I noticed was my back and neck did not curve anymore, allowing my head to position upright. All I saw and tasted was cold white snow. Nor did I have the agility to stay in the track. I wobbled from side to side, then spun sideways and went ass over teakettle, in a misty cloud. I was fine. Everybody laughed, I popped another beer and the afternoon proceeded with children's rosey faces and giggles of pure delight.

   By Sunday night my left ass cheek and frontal thigh hurt so badly that I couldn't sleep. I couldn't shovel snow. I could barely stand. I couldn't wash my dishes, because the kitchen drain had already frozen the week before. Dish washing now entailed a lot of bailing and tossing full buckets of coffee and pasta strewn murky water, out my back door. But most importantly of all the "couldn'ts", I couldn't get wood in. I still heat by wood. I have a little propane heater, but it's not enough to heat the house. My "all nighter" is the only thing between me and and freezing to death. And getting the big logs into the stove, in order to get through these frigid nights, was becoming impossible. By St. Valentine's Eve I surrendered. I packed up the cat and some underwear, and headed for Shewho's.
    We spent a romantic evening stuffing ice packs down my long johns, as Shewho tried to massage the knots out of my leg. I'd spent 4 days without sleep, popping Hydrocodone and motrins. Nothing helped. For Valentine's Day Shewo gave me the gift of not caring that I was not going to do anything for her. That's why i love her so much. She's such a romantic.
   Today I came home to the shack to find the propane heater incredibly inefficient in minus 8 temps. The toilet was a frozen solid ice cube. Thankfully I had had the foresight to cut the water supply to the house. If I hadn't I would've found a skating rink in my living room. Now I have no water, busted pipes, frozen drains, dirty dishes, a fucked up leg, can't sleep........and  have to shit in a bucket. It's taken 20 years, but this winter has me by the short hairs. Tomorrow the plumber is coming to drain the split pipe system. I'm heading for WSSP until spring. Don't tell Shewho I'm bringing a bottle. It may take a little doing to make up for VDay. I want to surprise her. I wuuuuuuuuv U Baby!