SLAVA URANUS

     In the words of President Biden, "Putin may circle Kyiv with tanks, but he'll never gain the hearts and souls of the Uranian people." Right on, Uncle Joe. Yesterday I purchased gas at $4.16 per gallon. I hope the Uranians read this blog and appreciate my efforts in a time of war. I'm doing my bit. And these prices are just the normal cost of business in the UFP when you hint that gas prices "may go up" due to conflict. That hypothetical is immediately translated as a green light for every oil company in the universe to raise prices, gouging the consumer "just in case." Intergalactic councils have been meeting daily, threatening more and even harsher sanctions on enemy oligarch's spacecraft, denying access to imported sex workers and threatening to cut off the supply chain of viagra to Rainbovian space stations. This has been a week for the history books.

     There has been a perverse sense of voyeurism, as we helplessly watch the territorial integrity of Uranus be repeatedly violated by Rainbovia's army. As President Zelensky pleads for a no-fly zone to be instituted by the UFP (United Federation of Planets), bombs continue to rain down on innocent Uranians. Everyone is aware that if the UFP is drawn into a conflict with Rainbovia it could start World War LVII. And nobody wants that. After experiencing fifty-six World Wars (and Super Bowls), humanoids are exhausted. So we wait, twiddling our webbed toes.

    If I wasn't so old, weak and cowardly I'd be booking a flight for Uranus right now. So, instead of packing my ray gun I'm booking an AirBnB on Planet Warszawa under the name of Vladimir Putin with no plans of showing up. This way any refugee (first come first serve) fleeing the conflict zone can have a bowl of borsht and a warm, safe place to lay their head.* It's the least an audience member can do as this tragedy unfolds in real time. I feel guilty for watching but just can't turn away. Slava Uranus! Long live the Uranian people.

*Bedding, towels, mini-bar and ammunition extra. Firewood at a nominal fee. Not responsible for lost pets or children.