THE TICKET

SPORK YOU

Slick is back by popular demand! For those of you who haven’t been paying attention since 2007 and can’t keep all the HWS character’s straight – Slick is my young (soon to turn 50) friend with a recording studio and obsession with hunting the most dangerous game: supermodels. Although some of his past supermodel girlfriends have become my good friends, this is not about relationships. This is about the hunt. Slick is addicted to the hunt. We all hunt for different reasons. I hunt my own (and neighbor’s) territory for game that I’m familiar with. For example, I hunt deer and turkey not far from my house. If I get a clean shot I take it. I no longer pass on medium size bucks, in the hope that the monster trophy animal will someday materialize. Instead, I’m more than satisfied taking a kill shot on a respectable animal. I like the hunt, but I like eating more. Slick is different. For him it’s all about the trophy. Not only does he have stands all over preserves like Manhattan, but he also regularly goes on safari. Recently he was in Mexico City for Art Basil Mexico. Supermodels flock to such events. It’s like fishing for blues when they are running or shooting ducks in a migration pattern. Even if you don’t bag something, you’ll have plenty of action. Today he called me, back from the hunt for a little de-brief. “Well, the Mexican girl I went down there to see was too busy to see me. Plus, I think she has a girlfriend. All good. There was so many Russians my head was spinning.” I like to hunt whitetail. No matter what woods Slick finds himself in, he loves to hunt Russians. "I went to this opening and Spencer was there, showing a film from the 90’s. I looked up and here comes this women down the stairs…..oh my God……tall, long legs, …. total stunner! I asked Spencer if he knew her and if she was single? He said she was. I went directly over and chatted her up.” Slick has a certain all in immersive A.I. technique when it comes to hunting. It’s not like he uses drones (yet) but he amasses information like a C.I.A. agent in downtown Beijing. Name? Vocation or job? Ethnicity (just small talk)? Would you like a drink? Then, on the way to the bar he’ll follow her on insta-stalk, while scanning the place, making sure there’s not a hotter girl hiding somewhere behind a potted plant. Once back with the drink (if the quarry hasn’t bolted) it’s time to get down to business. “We started talking and she said that she had seen this really weird thing today- an eating utensil that was both a spoon and a fork. “A spork?” I asked. She looked at me, squinting those beautiful eyes, furrowing her cute little brow and said, “Spork? I never heard that term. That’s funny.” I was in. I tried to buy her dinner, rent her an apartment, lease her a car, meet her parents….whatever she wanted. She said that she was too busy preparing her art show. I should come to the opening on Saturday." This is the other thing with Slick’s technique. He has the money to buy the best gun, most powerful scope, fanciest hunting boots…..so he doesn’t hesitate to throw it all at the wall. Once he had the intel on her cute “spork” moment he took a shot. Slick spent most of the next two days scouring Mexico City for a fucking spork. “I looked everywhere, hardware stores, kitchen ware, jewelry shops, camping supply. Nothing. I did meet two hot Russian lesbians. They may have been high end escorts. I didn’t care. I bought them both dinner. They were fun, but also too busy. But it was the spork girl who I couldn’t get out of my head. Was it too late to get a spork made at Tiffany's? Then, right before the opening I went in a bodega and found a yellow cup of lemon yogurt with a little blue plastic spork attached to the lid. Scored! I wrapped it up with a sexy note in Espanola and couldn’t wait to give it to her at the opening. I went in the door and spotted her across the room……I had a giant smile on my face and was trying to catch her eye…..when this tall, handsome, very rich looking dude passed her a drink. She smiled, stretched up and kissed him. I tossed the fucking spork in the trash and left.” Flying back home across the Gulf of America I’d like to think Slick took stock, adding up the luxury expenditures and amount of time and effort put into trophy hunting on this epic scale. You have to ask yourself at some point is a wall hanger worth the time, effort and money it takes to bag a world class animal? And once you do bag one what about the taxidermy bill? I already know the answer.