FETCH ME MY MONKEY!

   Michael Jackson has always loomed large in CLGM canon. Hymns like MICHAEL LOVES THE LITTLE CHILDREN and PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE PANTS are of course homages to the gloved one. From the church's humble beginnings in 1986 to recent services we've drawn inspiration from Jack-o's lifestyle and music. BAD is our theme song.
   Maybe it's the camels and ostriches wandering across my lawn or the caged skunk out back on the job site, but recently I've noticed some of MJ's less than positive personal traits are starting to rub off. No, Webster is not sharing my futon and as far as I know I'm not under inditement, but every morning I wake up feeling less than happy to face the day. I pack my tools in the pick up, drive to the job site, string the extension cords, start up the saw and........where's the joy? Then I remember where I was just 2 weeks ago- surrounded by supermodels, hob knobbing with the art world, soaking up the hipster vibe. And when that was over I squeezed into a bright red g-string with blinking lights, glued green sequin tassels onto my nipples, attached bunny tail and ears to my Santa suit, and stepped on stage. I felt so happy.....and dare I say-complete. Could it be that, like MICHAEL, I'm only comfortable on stage?
   I pull my flat bar out of the truck, dig out some nasty mouse nest and ponder this issue. This stinks. Or maybe that's the skunk out back. In either case I have the distinct feeling that I'm morphing into a show business beast that will be unable to operate normally in the day to day world. Just this morning after succeeding on the third try to get the combination right to my post office box, I found myself waiting for applause from the post mistress. None was forthcoming. I walked in the diner and no one looked up. At The Trading Post a little fat girl passed me and didn't want an autograph. See what I mean? How the hell am I going to make it to Labor Day and THE BORST BELT STAND UP COMEDIAN CATSKILL CASINO CLICHE TEMPLE OF THE LITTLE GREEN MAN- Sept. 3, 2011 8pm. Anybody got a monkey for sale?