HITTING THE BARn FLOOR

It's 10:30 am and I'm just prying open my eyes. "How can this be?" you ask. It's still turkey season, before noon and I'm not in the woods. "What's going on?" Well let me tell you.

   Last night Diamond Dave gave me a call. He was up from the city on a Monday to clear his pistol permit for full carry and he and Pigpen were down at THE BARn, twisting one, and wondered if I would not like to partake. I'd run out of eye medicine a week ago and was in the car before he could hang up the phone. Pigpen was nose deep in a tractor manual, so I poured a couple of shots of bourbon and settled into the tulip chair. The place looked good. After we swapped out a couple of the old Kristan Kohl works for new ones, swept the floor and stocked the bar we'd be ready for Saturday night's grande opening. Conversation turned to the upcoming show and Trussbridge Farm fresh veggie stand about to be centered around the old Denniston Ford bridge. As we discussed the pros and cons of opening before the veggies ripened there was a knock at the door. It was the Little Green Man. Damn! We'd been waiting.
    I know, just like Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny, you may not believe in him. But I'm here to tell you he exists. What happened next should convince you. The LGM sat down. He had his arm in a sling and a triangle face. And the LGM sat down. He carried with him a soft leather bag which he pulled open,  removing some condiments and a resin encrusted glass pipe that resembled the starship Enterprise. Like a wizened, ageless medicine man he inventoried his magic powders. "This one makes you big and this one makes you small....." DD and I moved in for a closer look. "Where's the sacred flame?" he asked. Someone found the propane torch behind the woodstove.
     Gently....ever so gently the LGM packed the glass pipe with a sticky substance resembling a grass eating cat's throw up. The flame clicked and the pipe glowed red. "Take it in slowly." he instructed me, passing me the nasty pipe. I wrapped my lips around the ass end of the Enterprise and sucked. Then I started coughing......and coughing...AND COUGHING. I couldn't stop. So I removed myself to the metal roofed storage area outside. Rain pounded on the shed as I leaned against a post and retched into the darkness. Then, suddenly, I stopped coughing, took a deep breath, and went into another dimension. Flopping (or rather falling) into a chair I opened my eyes to complete perfection. The rain was so loud I couldn't hear anything. All of a sudden I felt great.....more than great....I felt enlightened.
  Slowly I raised from the chair and re-entered THE BARn. I couldn't wait to tell the others where I'd been. I started for the chair. The next thing I remember is DD standing over me. "Are you OK dude?" How do I answer this? I think he helped me to my feet. I started for the chair again. And again I crumpled like a stringless marionette. Before I could compose myself the LGM was gone. I think I babbled some incoherent thoughts, made it to the bar and then went blind. Now when I say blind I don't mean everything went black....rather I could see, but my brain couldn't process it. My environment was a complete mystery. It was like I was an alien creature waiting for the rosetta stone software to be uploaded. Eventually Diamond Dave drove me home.
   There was a light on in the church. Instead of going in and turning it off, I went in and turned all the lights on. The place glowed. Just that day I'd rewired the lighting and the sanctuary never looked better. I laid on a pew and i think I prayed. Maybe I just imagined I did. In either case I know I'd been through something like I'd never experienced before. The LGM had paid me a visit and I was still rattled. It was like huffing glue, while drinking a bottle of bourbon, between tokes on the crack pipe. Whatever the LGM is cooking up in his lair over in Monticello I'd suggest you smoke it with extreme caution. As GNJohn put it this morning, after I relayed the tale to him "I'd say you were too old for this shit. But it wouldn't do any good." Truer words were never spoken. Amen.