Wednesday, September 4, 2013


The CLGM "Joint" Chiefs have met and asked me to explain the themes of the upcoming service. Confusion in this area can lead to collateral damage and refugees streaming across the border into Rock Hill and Woodridge. In order to avoid this, I will try to lay out in clear language our reasons for military intervention at this time. Lets take the themes one by one.
   Saint Sebastian, as most people know, is the patron saint of archers. If we look back at a few of the archetypes swirling around the CLGM we find "The Green Knight" and later on the legend of Robin Hood. Add to this the fact that the service is two days before opening day of bow season and my suggestion is for all supermodels to don the little green short-shorts, stick a feather in your hat, string your bow and be ready to shoot the flamer arrow at St. GNJohn on the stripper pole. A lesser known fact is that St. Seba is also the patron saint of the warrior class. Here's where the "Full Dress Uniform" comes into the mix. ACHTUNG! Start polishing your buttons.
    We may have been at war for the past decade, but ask any high school kid where we are fighting and  eyes will roll, the buds will stay in the ears and they will just shrug. A war weary nation? That's a phrase that politicians use when they want to vote against funding another bomber. When's the last time you saw a flag draped coffin or for that matter a general on TV? If we are at war i guess nobody on our side is dying. It's only within the last couple of days, with all the debate on Syria, that we see some scrambled eggs and epaulets decorating the uniforms of the men (and women) sitting behind the politicians. Military drag is back....just in time for church. Be ready for white glove inspection.
    The next theme is "Voodoo Doll". This should be self explanatory. There isn't a person out there who doesn't have one or two stashed in the underwear draw. Personally I have a whole trunk of them. It looks like a sea bottom covered with spiney urchins. Feeling some pain in the bottom of your foot? You know who you are. As far as translating this to churchy dress-up, I would suggest babydoll or Furry wear. The Cardinal Tristan Epic has Red Fox Pajamas. Don't forget the pins. He's quick. Be prepared for a chase.
   And finally we have "Curse Cult". This brings "Osti de CLGM" into the mix. A rough translation is fuck the church of the little green man. A couple of new rituals will be introduced. "Curse for a Beer" is  one. Some people can cuss like a sailor and make it sound like music. This is what we want to encourage. Also, curse can be taken a variety of ways- "monthly curse", "I put a curse on you", etc. We all know what a cult is. This is also appropriate for the dress code. I think Teehoo is going to rock the simple shift and sweater "Brownie look" of the Manson girls. Bloated corpse of the People's Temple is also a nice way to go.

So, there you go. I hope I've made clear our reasons for intervention at this time. I hope we can stick to the themes, not spill over the border, and obey the Geneva convention. Lock and load. There's less than a month left before we invade. Go to the range. Shoot a quiver of arrows and lets all get our twerk on. Piece in our time.        


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