Sunday, June 1, 2014


  After watching that bloody scene with Dennis the other night, Shewho called Teehoo and gave her the play by play. "Did you call Carlito?" she asked, horrified by the account. It was late and I didn't want to bother him, but Teehoo insisted that if the goat died it was on my head. OK. OK. I'll do anything to keep my women folk happy. I placed the call and got his machine. I left a message describing the carnage Dennis was subjecting us to and my conscience was clear.
   The next morning Carlito returned the call. "Why are you calling the animal cops on me?" Was the first thing out of his mouth. He's a yuckster, so I played along. I told him that if he didn't snip Dennis' balls I would call them. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "What are you talking about?" I replied. When we sorted it out I realized we were on two different pages. It seems that last Sunday, during services someone had dropped a dime to the Fallsburg cops informing them that I had a "wild turkey" in the lion cage. The cops called the DEC and before you could say gobble-gobble, two cop cars were in front of the church and a DEC van was in Carlito's driveway. He was up by Scapegoat Butch's house observing the officious activity. DEC always gets your attention. I must've been turkey hunting.
    I don't know if any of you have ever tried getting ahold of the DEC, but most times you get a recording and I've never been able to get an officer to actually show up. Jacklighting, illegal dumping, trespassing, baiting....don't seem to interest them. But put a obviously domestic turkey in a lion cage in front of a church and they are on it. According to Carlito, when they didn't see any bird in my cage (he was back at Pigpen's shitting on Diamond Dave's Porsche) they went to the nearest place with animals- Scapegoat Butch's. The DEC don't need a search warrant to snoop around. So, disappointed that they couldn't fuck with me, they went over Carlito's critters with a fine tooth comb. Of course Carlito dotes on his furry beasts and they are never mistreated (except by Dennis). The DEC had nothing and left with the Fallsburg cops in tow.
    Here's my advice to anyone who drives by my place and wants to call the cops on me: know the difference between a "wild" and a "domestic" turkey, realize that putting Hebrew on a billboard is not anti-Semitic or illegal, note that the TOTEM OF BRUCE sports no genitalia and if Ku Klux Klown makes a rare appearance he is a commentary on our times and sadly misunderstood. In the meantime I'm getting all my papers in order to open the foreskin reconstruction Institute down at the Shul. I spent the winter practicing my technique. I can order all the stem cells I want from Israel. A little balloon rubber and some super glue and you'd never know it hadn't been there all along. And's completely legal. Make your appointment now.


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