ANNA SCHILLING

KRISTAN KOHL 1952

SELLING THE DEADIST

  In 1984 I created the artist  Kristan Kohl in order to surreptitiously show in my NYC gallery MO David. Eventually I also showed my other identities - Richard Mauwra and Mike Osterhout. But it was Kristan Kohl, who I had die in 1985, who has become the most prolific of all my personas. With the re-opening of MO David North I've been revisiting the work of this deadist as well as Richard Mauwra (still alive). Mauwra indulges himself with goofy, purient combine sculptures with titles full of pun and whimsy. You can never have enough fucking whimsy with Mauwra. You got: Stuffing The Puppy, Shaving the Grinch, Poking the Love Bug, Stabbing the Bunny, and LOOK!  It's a Penis. That one Tristan titled. But it's work by the deadist Kristan Kohl that continues to force its way to the front, and joins the rest of my problematic dead artists.
    Recently I emailed an art critic friend and informed him about MO David North. He replied that he always loved my work and how lucky I was to still have all of it. He ended his nice little note with "Don't worry. When you die your career will explode." Thanks. I think. I thought I did that. I guess faking it just doesn't fly. I'm starting to know a few dead artists and it's no cake walk in the after life either. Look at Abraham Levin. The poor guy hasn't had a show since 1967. His paintings are fucking great! Shewho manages the estate of Leon Golub and Nancy Spero- both recent deadists and she works goddamn hard keeping the balls in the air. Who knows what's going on with David Ireland's house or all his work. If you don't attain some A-list status while still breathing, it can be a rough road to immortality.
   That old myth of the dead artist being worth so much more can be mightily fueled if the artist dies young and hot. Jean Michel comes to mind. But usually it doesn't apply. If you are just a working stiff, even well known and greatly respected- still a working stiff, a deadist can find a show ending with no where to go but storage. And before you know it the gallerist is calling you "Non-representative." It's a constant struggle even after death. So chances are my stuff isn't going to be worth much more when I'm six feet under, so you might as well start buying it now and do my family a solid by getting it out of my house. Otherwise it's just more work for Shewho and she's got her hands full.    

WILL WORK FOR NOTHING

   Not everybody feels this way. After The Huffington Post was recently purchased by AOL for $315 million, it's no surprise that the legions of unpaid bloggers that supply content to HP want a little gravy on their biscuit. Back in 1989 I wrote a column for PAPER MAGAZINE called The Holy Corner. It took me a couple of hours each month to write, for which I received $125. I felt I was grossly under paid, but I WAS paid. One of the columns was on the movie FORREST GUMP. Everyone had come out with glowing reviews of the pic., so I decided to rip it apart. Some producer in LA, who happened to be involved with a show on ABC that came on after NIGHTLINE, read the piece and liked it. His assistant called me and asked if I would be interested in coming on the air to read the column. "How much will you pay?" I asked, like a dog having a juicy piece of meat waved under his nose. (I was constantly broke at the time). "Oh we don't pay." the assistant responded, surprised that I would even bring it up. "You'll get national exposure for your act." I had to explain to her that I had no "act" only "bills". She said she'd get back to me.
    When I told my editors at PAPER about the offer and my refusal to work for nothing they thought I was nuts. How could I turn my nose up a such a big break into show business? Just like with the assistant, I had to explain to them just how much money such a TV show pulled in and how my lights were about to be shut off and all I wanted was a token. Christ I would've taken car fare. But the ABC producer stood firm. NO PAY. NO WAY. I stuck to my guns and refused. They thanked me for my time and put some other shmuck on the air. I think it was John Stewart.
   That was a long time ago. These days I work for nothing as a matter of course. (Not carpentry, silly. I got bills). I mean I write. I record. I paint and sculpt and think up new money draining projects all the time. Sure it would be nice to get paid for any of these things, but I don't sweat it anymore. The internet has freed me up from needing to be published or having a CD or even an art show. Every day I sit down at my little mac. and throw out into cyberspace whatever. Do I care how many people read or see it? Not really. I figure I've done my job. Now it's up to the public. I've got no love for AOL or The Huffington Post. But to all the suppliers of content who are bellyaching about a paycheck, I would just say- get a real job and do all the rest for free. It's good exposure.
  

KATANIA

COUNTRY RAT PLUMMETS TO DEATH IN GARAGE GOURD HELL HOLE

  Big news on the mountain is GNJohn's discovery of a rat who found his way into a garbage can containing a rotten gourd. We think the critter ate himself to death. Ever the pragmatist, GNJ left the rat where he lay, drawing in another who also was found dead a day or so later, forming a ying- yang rat circle of death. Now, the question is- why did the rats die so quickly? You would think a rat could survive for quite some time on just gourd and fellow dead rat meat. Can this particular gourd be deadly to rats? The queries are piling up. You can tell it's been a long winter.
    I haven't worked since before deer season, when I painted WSSP II. And now my neck is so screwed up I may not be able to work when Holly Witchey finally closes on her new property. This is why, once again, I'm trying to breathe new life into MO David. We all know the money burning CLGM has no chance of paying the bills, so why not start a gallery again? For what ever reason I haven't burned the bridges I thought I had, so when I contact my contemporaries (successful or not) they mostly seem willing to participate. It doesn't hurt to have Shewho on board as a partner. Her expertise and demeanor will be invaluable when it comes to actually selling a work of art. I'll be the first one to admit, I don't have a clue how to do it.
   Today is the first day the mercury has climbed above freezing. The woodchuck's prediction may be  correct.  Turkeys are out in the field scratching and Dennis the big dick donkey is kicking up his heels and chasing the the little goat around. Spring just may be around the corner. Mupp is home polishing the stripper pole and lovers everywhere are exchanging candied hearts. The rat mystery continues, as well as preparations for the CLGM Xmas @ Easter Laptism American iPole Church. This afternoon I'm biting the bullet and going to the neck doctor. I'll let you know how I make out. Happy VD!    

MARTYNKA

AMERICAN iPOLE

    Just the other day Deacon Mupp picked up 20 feet of stainless steel stripper pole, all set to be polished and installed in the church. Let the Catholics have their kiddie molester priests. Let the Presbyterians have their bland covered dish dinners. Let the Mormons have their ghost baptisms and multiple wives. And even let the Scientologists have their absurd celebs and science fiction dogma. The CLGM is the first church to install a stripper pole. If there's another one I'd like to hear about it.
   Preparations are continuing for The Xmas @ Easter Laptism American iPole Church of the Little Green Man Sunday May 29, 2011. Animals are being rounded up for the petting zoo. The elves and bunnies are busy with all their duties. But most importantly we are spreading the word regarding the American iPole Contest. Here's your chance. Can't sing? Can't dance? Can't play an instrument. No problem. Anyone can spin around a pole. Simon Cowel can't make it but we do have the panel of Deacons- Mupp, Al Blanchard and Savage Lynch. And although she can be kinda unreliable Kim Kardashian promises to fill the JLo spot. The Band of All Faiths is learning Like A Rock and some Fergie tunes. So get out that Victoria Secret catalog and pick out some appropriate duds. God bless you one and all.