"YOU WANTED TO TALK AND WRITE DIRTY BUT FELT YOU COULDN'T WHILE YOUR PARENTS WERE ALIVE."

The above quote is from a David Ireland piece I have hanging over my desk. Under that is a framed twenty dollar bill given to us by our Grandmother who died at 105. Gram always had a spare twenty. Many times it meant the difference in filling the tank and getting home. I realize not everyone likes their parents and for good reason. There are a lot of really terrible parents out there. That said, there's also a lot of fucked up, ungrateful spawn floating downstream. I was just lucky enough to be born into a family of relatively square shooting, loving individuals. I also am proud of myself for being able to recognize and appreciate this fact. They never asked me to be anything different than what I was.
   Unlike David Ireland's quote, I never had a problem with holding back while my parents were alive. But I'm sorry to say this will not always be the case. Mom's still fighting the good fight, while the old man is a couple of years gone. Time is of the essence. I know exactly where DI was coming from though, when he made that piece. I can feel something welling up inside me as my mom struggles through sleepless nights of pain, laced with morphine stupor. It's between not being able to go and going every five minutes- neither a decent option. One day at a time. I know she's getting really good care, but still......I'm getting pissed. How can she be leaving? And i know when she's gone the damn's gonna burst. No more Mr. Fucking Nice Guy.
    It may not have looked like I've been holding back all this time, but just wait. When my mother dies her calming voice of reason will be gone forever. "Michael, do you think that's wise?" will be heard no more. Sure, I have Shewho and Teewhoo and a raft of siblings, nieces and nephews to reel me in, but when the time comes that I am basically an orphan, well look out. One can only hope that the past 60 years of child rearing my mom has invested in has not been for naught. I wouldn't count on it.