INTO THE NOD

A couple of days ago bro #3 Smokey asked why I wasn't posting in the blog? "Nothing to say." I answered honestly. As far fetched as that seems, it's true. For the past couple of months I've been in a holding pattern so severe that I only seem to get off the couch long enough to scream at the cats and crack another beer. Because of a severe infection that has me hacking up crud all day, I've stopped my eye medicine and as we all know that does not help anyone's mood. Poor Shewho has taken the brunt of my anger with her usual graciousness, but even she has her limits. Where does all this stem from? Well, let me tell you.
    Since doing THE BARn in May I've had no work......therefore no money coming in. But a lack of money is not anything new to me. No, it's not the lack of money that's getting to me. Next week my old friend Chuck has included me in a group show in a NYC gallery. A group show in the NY in Aug.- first gallery showing in 25 years. Seems like my career is right on track. So it's not my career (or lack thereof) that's bumming me. I got my health, the love of a good woman, good friends, I own my home, I come from a tight family and have no real reason to bitch. But then I think of mom. Bingo!
    No matter how great or fucked up one's family is, you know nothing else. I remember asking a teenager who was suspected of killing both his parents, what his childhood was like? He had grown up in Jim Jones' PEOPLE'S TEMPLE. "It was just life to me." he said "I knew nothing better or worse." In less than a month I turn 60. For the first 14 months of life (with the old man in Korea) it was just mom and I. I kid that I wish I had stayed an only child with a single mom. It's bullshit. The old man came home and ten years later I had 3 brothers and a sister. I love them all. But right now I have an especially warm spot for Smokey and my sister Mrs. B. They have taken care of our parents with such love and hard work that I can only sit back in grateful awe.
   I have had such a good life, no small part due to the love and support of my family. It started with my paternal grandfather and maternal grandmother. There's no plaques or statues recognizing these individuals. To the world at large they lived and died in obscurity. (As an artist, I'm the only member of the family concerned with posterity). But to a few they are legendary. They set the tone. My parents continued it. And now mom lays in a small bed, slipping in and out of consciousness, doped up on morphine, basically disappearing before our eyes. A couple of days ago Mupp, Ginger and I went over to the home to say our goodbyes. Mom smiled weakly and hugged and kissed us with all her might. Mrs. B. will not be pried away. She keeps the 24 hour vigil at her bedside. Ginger is heading back to Ct. to join her. I've said my goodbyes and can't bear to see her lay there, open mouthed, in a coma. It's a matter of hours now. It was just life to me. I knew nothing worse. But I think i can say with all confidence- they don't make them better than my mother. It's gonna take a while to get used to life without her.