Thursday, July 25, 2013


Following the lead of The Church of England, the elders here at the LGM have decided to branch out of the soul saving business, and into the banking business. I don't know why it's taken so long for a church to see the advantages of loosening the purse strings and raking in the interest on the back side. Who's got mo money than the Vatican? Hell, just the head gear alone is worth millions. Maybe it's just that old story of Jesus kicking the money lenders out of the Temple that has painted all bankers with a broad brush. Get over it people. That was a long time ago. Strip clubs learned to put ATMs right alongside the swedish meatball buffet. Like church, once they are in the door, you don't want them leaving for ANY reason. And like strip clubs, a church is a cash business. You may burn one to get in, but everyone knows that the collection plate is eventually coming around. And we don't take plastic.
     How much of a stretch is it to install an ATM next to the flame or make an appointment with the functionary in any house of worship, in order to get a loan to finish off the basement or put a down payment on that new bass boat? "Bless you, my son. 5.2% compounded quarterly over the life of the loan. Please take a mint on the way out." There is no conflict of church and state. I envision a great coming together of Hebrew congregations working hand in hand with small Moslem shopkeepers and Christian Mega Churches, spreading the wealth throughout the community at low interest rates, undercutting Bank of America and other Godless institutions. Can I have an Amen?
   As summer winds down, ammunition becomes more expensive, and maybe you want to upgrade your firearms, think of us for all your spiritual investment needs. The elders are working out all the details- derivatives, interest rates, fiduciary responsibility, and contract design. So far we haven't found print small enough. We're working on it. In the meantime we are setting up a 800 # and forming a board of directors to answer all your questions. Our first of, what I hope will be many, branches should be open by fall. It will be located at 380 Glen Wild Rd. in what was the old Congregation Anshei Shul. Come by just to say hello. Our loan officers are always happy to answer all your questions. Dial 1-800-Diamond. In LGM We Trust.  


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