24 HOUR MUSLIM

  Back in the day, when I still lived on the Lower East Side, and we held churches in basements and strip clubs, a kid gave me a CD for his band- KYUSS. He dug the CLGM and I dug his groovy- desert jam rock. We hung out a bit and then I lost touch. Every once in a great while his name (or the band) would come up with a mutual friend and I'd get the news. He became kinda a rock star with another band called QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE. I never heard them, but I heard they were good. Then, on Saturday morning I got an email from my buddy, who kept track of "the kid's" career. His name is Josh Homme and he's got another band called EAGLES OF DEATH METAL. Although Josh wasn't there, his band was on stage when those assholes stormed the theater in Paris, Friday night, killing over 100 people. The band made it off stage unscathed, but one of their friends who handled the merch. was killed. The audience had no where to escape.

   The anti-Islamic xenophobia has been swift and severe. Politicians like Jeb Bush are taking a break from time-travel, in order to stir up the hatred towards Muslims, separating them from the Christian refugees streaming out of Syria. Christians are welcome. Muslims stay away. I may have been baptized as a Christian as an infant, but I had nothing to say about it. I never joined a church nor declared myself anything other than a free agent. So out of curiosity I googled "Muslim conversion".
    Turns out, like most religions, (the CLGM included) it's pretty easy to sign up to Islam. What the hell. It's a little like saying "Biggie Smalls" in the mirror three times. Then, Allah-ka-Zam: Yer a Muslim. Repeat after me:
1. I testify "La ilaha illa Allah, Muhammad rasoolu Allah."- There is no true God, but God (Allah) and Muhammad is the messenger (prophet) of God.
2. Accept Islam as your religion and not worship anything nor anyone except God.
3. Believe that the Quran is the true word of God.
This is called the testimony of the faith or Shahada. OK. I said it. Done and done. I'm a Muslim.

As a Muslim I condemn all acts of violence against my fellow man or woman, be they Christian, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, brother or sister Muslim, or any believer or non-believer. Feels pretty good to speak as a true believer. I don't know how long I can go without pork, and they're a little vague on just how many wives I can have. We'll just have to see. I'm sure apostasy is right around the corner. But in the meantime, you fuck with a Muslim, just for being a Muslim and you're fucking with the CLGM. And then in some countries leaving the faith will earn you a death sentence- so there's that. We'll just have to take it one day at a time. Je suis MO. May the LGM bless Paris and the EAGLES OF DEATH METAL. Just don't blame us Muslims.