Wednesday, January 19, 2011

OUT OF MADRID- virgin birth project

  Last night I finally got the call. Scott Key, my dairy farming buddy up in Cooperstown was calling to discuss my virgin birth proposal. This piece has been a long time in the making. I first had the idea laying on my bed in a Havana hotel room watching AMERICAN CHOPPER on TV in 20003. I didn't have a TV at home at the time so I had no idea that this show chronicled a family of knuckleheads from my home town of Montgomery, NY. When I got back to the US I rang up the Teutals. They were right on the cusp of making it big and just happened to be hanging out at the shop on a snowy weekday. I got Paul Jr. on the phone and asked if i could drive down and discuss my project. "Sure." he said. "Castle Rd. just off 17k." I knew the place.
   My idea was to build a custom motorcycle, ala EASY RIDER, and fit it with duel fake tanks. The chopper's theme would be EL TORRO- The Bull. Then I would retrofit the tank with liquid nitrogen. In one tank I would carry cow eggs and in the other bull sperm. Then I would somehow ship this bike to Havana and show it with the help of my friends in the art collective LOS CARPENTEROS. The plan was that the bike would be nothing more than elaborate facade. The real subtext was finding a farm where we could take the sperm and eggs and implant them in a cow that had never calved, in effect  creating a virgin birth. Sounds simple, right? I ran it by the Teutals and aside from Mikey being very excited to get a Cohiba cigar out of my car, I was met with stoney silence. Seems the two Pauls were a little right wing. They heard "Cuba" and turned off.
    Between the Bush years, OCC's incredible pop-culture success and sparse finances, this project never materialized. But now, 8 years later, I have the chance to refine this project and create my cow. Forget the motorcycle. Forget Cuba. Let's just concentrate on the virgin birth. The eggs are out of MADRID- the Key's prize show cow. Each egg cost $1000 and there is no guarantee that it will take. Then there's the $350 Dr. fee to do the implanting. (That's refundable.) No old school stud service here. MADRID is way too valuable to let a bull mount her. The egg is fertilized with select bull sperm, then implanted in the virgin host. "There's no way of knowing male or female on the calf." Scotty warned. "A bull isn't worth much. But a heifer can hit the ground worth $10,000." Forget real estate. My bovine portfolio is expanding.


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