DAESH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

 First it was ISIS. Then it was ISIL. Now it's Daesh. Loosely translated in Arabic Daesh means bigot. It's a cut every time Kerry says it. ISIS has decreed that anyone who utters it shall have their tongue cut out. Daesh....Daesh....Daesh. Take that you fuckers. Charlie Hebdo's cover shows a French man "bleeding" wine. The headline reads: THEY HAVE WEAPONS. WE HAVE CHAMPAGNE. The glove is coming off. We are so helpless against these guys. We have wit and humor and a sense of irony. They are action junky, attention whores, who only seem happy spilling blood. Makes one pine for the good old days of Fascism, that could be beaten into submission by technology. There is no weapon more effective than terror. We're pretty good with drones and Star trooper shock and awe, muscle marines, but we don't come close to mowing kids down at a rock concert. How do you beat that?
    So I propose we go in the other direction. Many times I've had this conversation with Pigpen"King of the Jews"Rothman, and we both agree. Fight fire with absurdity......and of course porn. The prototype for my secret weapon against Daesh was shipped today from China. It is a "mascot like" costume, complete with body suit, gloves, shoe covers and styrofoam head with antlers. Previously known as "Rudolph", this Daesh will be fitted with a rainbow confetti-bomb suicide vest and briefcase filled with pornographic magazines and DVDs. The strategy would to be to parachute in a select group of CIA black-ops, targeting Daesh strongholds. Once on the ground, these operatives would organize house parties and mosque socials, acting as US goodwill ambassadors, firing off confetti bombs and distributing the porn. We may not stamp out terrorism. After all it is a concept. But I think we can definitely win over a few hearts and minds.