IN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH

I'm about a year away from opening the doors of the church. It's hard to schedule funerals , so I think we'll start with weddings. I like weddings. Personally I've been married twice. The marriages were iffy, but the weddings were both top notch.

My first wife and I got married in a Justice of the Peace's rec. room and had a big blow out at the Woodstock Pub. Later we stole 13 cases of beer and took the party back to our shack in the woods. We woke up to ritz crackers peanutbuttered to our windows and a house full of hungover friends. We didn't have sex.

My next wedding 20 years later was in back of Bird's house, with sister-in-law Heidi playing guitar in my tree stand and a Presbyterian minister doing the honors. The Workdogs played and Mike Wild roasted a pig. Everyone had a great time, (except wife #2) and we took the party back to Wolf Lake, where I stayed up all night, drinking, smoking pot and playing dominoes. We didn't have sex.

So now that I'm going to start officiating other people's weddings, I'm once again thinking of tying the noose....I mean knot, myself. I don't give up easy. I'm in love with a wonderful woman. Why not? Plus, I don't want to guarantee any of my work if it won't work for me. So I'm proposing. You heard me right. I'm popping the question. I don't have a response yet, but once I get done here, I'm checking the inbox. In the meantime I'm accepting reservations for Spring '09. Call (845)434-1918 to reserve your wedding day.

Maybe I'll try wedding night sex this time.