DAESH

DAESH THE RED NOSED REINDEER

 First it was ISIS. Then it was ISIL. Now it's Daesh. Loosely translated in Arabic Daesh means bigot. It's a cut every time Kerry says it. ISIS has decreed that anyone who utters it shall have their tongue cut out. Daesh....Daesh....Daesh. Take that you fuckers. Charlie Hebdo's cover shows a French man "bleeding" wine. The headline reads: THEY HAVE WEAPONS. WE HAVE CHAMPAGNE. The glove is coming off. We are so helpless against these guys. We have wit and humor and a sense of irony. They are action junky, attention whores, who only seem happy spilling blood. Makes one pine for the good old days of Fascism, that could be beaten into submission by technology. There is no weapon more effective than terror. We're pretty good with drones and Star trooper shock and awe, muscle marines, but we don't come close to mowing kids down at a rock concert. How do you beat that?
    So I propose we go in the other direction. Many times I've had this conversation with Pigpen"King of the Jews"Rothman, and we both agree. Fight fire with absurdity......and of course porn. The prototype for my secret weapon against Daesh was shipped today from China. It is a "mascot like" costume, complete with body suit, gloves, shoe covers and styrofoam head with antlers. Previously known as "Rudolph", this Daesh will be fitted with a rainbow confetti-bomb suicide vest and briefcase filled with pornographic magazines and DVDs. The strategy would to be to parachute in a select group of CIA black-ops, targeting Daesh strongholds. Once on the ground, these operatives would organize house parties and mosque socials, acting as US goodwill ambassadors, firing off confetti bombs and distributing the porn. We may not stamp out terrorism. After all it is a concept. But I think we can definitely win over a few hearts and minds.   

AMY

24 HOUR MUSLIM

  Back in the day, when I still lived on the Lower East Side, and we held churches in basements and strip clubs, a kid gave me a CD for his band- KYUSS. He dug the CLGM and I dug his groovy- desert jam rock. We hung out a bit and then I lost touch. Every once in a great while his name (or the band) would come up with a mutual friend and I'd get the news. He became kinda a rock star with another band called QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE. I never heard them, but I heard they were good. Then, on Saturday morning I got an email from my buddy, who kept track of "the kid's" career. His name is Josh Homme and he's got another band called EAGLES OF DEATH METAL. Although Josh wasn't there, his band was on stage when those assholes stormed the theater in Paris, Friday night, killing over 100 people. The band made it off stage unscathed, but one of their friends who handled the merch. was killed. The audience had no where to escape.

   The anti-Islamic xenophobia has been swift and severe. Politicians like Jeb Bush are taking a break from time-travel, in order to stir up the hatred towards Muslims, separating them from the Christian refugees streaming out of Syria. Christians are welcome. Muslims stay away. I may have been baptized as a Christian as an infant, but I had nothing to say about it. I never joined a church nor declared myself anything other than a free agent. So out of curiosity I googled "Muslim conversion".
    Turns out, like most religions, (the CLGM included) it's pretty easy to sign up to Islam. What the hell. It's a little like saying "Biggie Smalls" in the mirror three times. Then, Allah-ka-Zam: Yer a Muslim. Repeat after me:
1. I testify "La ilaha illa Allah, Muhammad rasoolu Allah."- There is no true God, but God (Allah) and Muhammad is the messenger (prophet) of God.
2. Accept Islam as your religion and not worship anything nor anyone except God.
3. Believe that the Quran is the true word of God.
This is called the testimony of the faith or Shahada. OK. I said it. Done and done. I'm a Muslim.

As a Muslim I condemn all acts of violence against my fellow man or woman, be they Christian, Jew, Hindu, Buddhist, brother or sister Muslim, or any believer or non-believer. Feels pretty good to speak as a true believer. I don't know how long I can go without pork, and they're a little vague on just how many wives I can have. We'll just have to see. I'm sure apostasy is right around the corner. But in the meantime, you fuck with a Muslim, just for being a Muslim and you're fucking with the CLGM. And then in some countries leaving the faith will earn you a death sentence- so there's that. We'll just have to take it one day at a time. Je suis MO. May the LGM bless Paris and the EAGLES OF DEATH METAL. Just don't blame us Muslims.



     

MORGANE DUBLED

KILL-BABY-HITLER

Aside from being one of the best band names I've heard in years, this is an actual news item....I think. You never can tell on the internet whether an item is for real or some Onionesque joke piece by some douche at The New Yorker. If it's legit Jeb Bush says given the opportunity to go back in time "Yes." he would snuff out the little fetus Fuhrer  before he could wreck havoc on the world at large and the Jews specifically. On the other hand Dr. Carson would not kill-baby-Hitler, citing his Christian anti-abortion beliefs, that would not allow him to do so. The fact that any candidate for president would dignify this question with a response tells us way more about the men and the race, than their responses could ever elucidate.
    Hypothetical time travel questions is where journalism is at these days. Watch the National evening news and they will cover the crash of a plane into a house as the lead story, (just for the fiery video) leaving ISIS, and Syria in the dumper. And if we're lucky we get a cute puppy or a feel good sick kid piece at the end. I always tear up. It's no wonder I'm wrapped a little tight these days. The rut may or may not be kicking in. Who knows. It's been raining all week. Then this afternoon I got a call from Shewho. She'd tracked down a blurb book I'd been waiting for. The book is MISSIONARY- a sweet little piece I did in 1978. It documents me trying to get to know a 12 year old boy in SF. Shewho said UPS dropped it off at my "local post office". This is where it goes bad.

   My post office worker is an old, slow, relatively inept, Brit. The PO itself is tiny, cramped and overflowing in packages. The duffer is in his chair, facing away from me. I notice a package, about the size of the book I'm expecting, so I turn it to see if it's addressed to me. The old guy spins in his chair, leaps to his feet, and screams at me "SIR! DON'T TOUCH THE PACKAGES!" I've never seen him move so fast. I'm taken aback, trying to explain to him about the UPS package that supposedly was dropped off Nov. 4.......but he isn't hearing me. He continues to lecture me about NEVER touching a package, etc., etc. I go on the boil.
   What follows is 45 mins. of me trying to get Lord Wifflebottom to find my book, as he resists, accepting no blame, and continues to bark at me and look over his stupid glasses. In the process I not only touch, but move around his packages, further infuriating him. Luckily the window is too small for me to leap through and strangle him. Finally he gives up trying to get on line to UPS with his ancient PC and refuses to do any more for me. I'm so pissed at this point, my elbow inadvertently catches on one of the packages, scattering them all over Lord W. If i could have travelled back in time I definitely would've have aborted his mother. No questions asked.

HOLLIE WITCHEY

GREEN LIVES MATTER DRUNKEN CHURCH SOCIAL DIAMOND JEWBILEE CHURCH BURNING CHURCH OF THE LITTLE GREEEN MAN

I know it's a little early to to be thinking about spring church, but what with all this warm weather, the rut being late, and having nothing better to do, i figured I'd at least start the ball rolling. It's hard to believe that it will be 60 years come 2016 that we've been burning dollars and holding services of The Church of the Little Green Man. 1956 seems like yesterday. Most of the original members are dead or in the home, but a few of us still can rock the pulpit with the best of them. I'm sorry to say that my attempts to pass off the church to younger members Slick and Tricky didn't fly. All their noise over "great themes" and "inclusive, politically correct, vagina friendly" services never materialized. So it's back in my shaky, gnarled hands. And none too soon.
   Tentatively scheduled for Memorial weekend 2016, the first service of the Diamond Jewbilee year promises to be memorable. More puppets, more stream of consciousness poetry, more pubic hair shaving! Like the churches of yesteryear, I want to bring back that old time religion. And that will just be the first of many services promised for 2016. Hell, we may even steal a page from the Christians and do one every Sunday. How you like that? There's an old saying in the church "If the youth lets you down.....fuck 'em." We still have a healthy core of supermodels, the BAF, a mighty stripper pole, and enough local politicians in our pocket to keep the cops at bay. Come on PEOPLE!
 
    This past year we convened only one service- duck/rabbit church. And although it was a good one, we can't really call ourselves much of a congregation meeting only once a year. It's just too pitiful. That doesn't even give us cult status. We have all winter to think about this and to decide how to best celebrate our 60th. All participation welcome. Bless you all.    

BED, BATH AND BEYOND

NOT FUNNY

   Well the reviews are in- on Trump's SNL hosting and my HWS blog. Neither is altogether good. Shewho said she read it 3 times, trying to laugh and felt it was written by a 5 year old boy. And as far as Trump went it was predictably lame. Even Larry David's "Racist" cry (a complete set up) fell flat. What happened to that stupid audience? What an opportunity to get on national TV and make bank. A bunch of wimps. But back to me. I pride myself in my refined comedic chops. Shewho has no sense of humor. Let's ask Mupp. He loved it. I asked him what Ginger thought of it? "Ginger you have to read Osti's blog." he yelled from the phone. "Oh great." she said. So that's one I LOVED IT. one GREAT. and one "I don't think it's funny." Guess I aced it.
    But it's not Trump or my uneven reviews that's got me going these days, it's that sociopathic narcissist Ben Carson. Tonight's quote was the most telling. "When you go back decades in one's life, of course there will be inconsistencies."  As an artist that uses his past as source material to be displayed and examined, i know a thing or two about truth in personal history. Sure, I've heard stories so many times from Savage or Mupp, that sometimes I think I was there, but I never thought I was accepted to West Point or kicked some kid's ass (when i didn't). I had an uncle who thought he was in the Green Berets and fought in Vietnam. His delusions weren't uncovered until he had promoted himself to Major and rode in a convertible as the grand marshall in the Memorial Day parade. Dr. Carson has a bit of my uncle in him.
   Even if the Larry David heckle was a set up, it's true. Do we want a racist President? Do we want a deluded egoiste President? Then there's Jeb Bush. Do we want another Bush? Nothing's funny about any of these guys. The other night, just as Savage was leaving, after hunting the afternoon at Majestic, i felt something on my upper thigh. I dropped my pants, and as Savage looked on in horror, I discovered an engorged tick, surrounded by an angry red patch on my leg. I couldn't see well enough to get a good grip on it. As I grabbed my knife to dig it out, Savage intervened. "Here. Hold still. I'll get it." Then he went down on his knees, moved his head slowly towards my throbbing epidermis....and gently removed the tick, grasping it between his front teeth, spitting it into the palm of my hand. It was not altogether unpleasant. I swear. I was there.
 

COUNT TRUMPULA AND DR. CARSONSTEIN'S MONSTER

This week's SNL is slated to be hosted by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump. If I hadn't stopped watching the show more than 20 years ago I would boycott it. But I guess because they had Hitlery on they were compelled to give equal time to the other side. Since there seems to be no stopping the Lorne Michael's juggernaut, lets see how we can make the hate filled Republicans funny.

I know Halloween's over, but vampires are always funny. So my first bit would be to put The Donald in a high collared cape and tux for the monologue. (Applause)
   "Good evening.....(Cardboard bats all around his head. Continues in fake Eastern European accent.) "I just flew in and boy are my Mexican hookers tired." (Opens cape to reveal two sad looking Latina women.) Burps. "Excuse me. Anyone got any American blood? Too much spicy rapist hemoglobin." (Trump smiles evilly, exposing bloody fangs.)

(Crickets)

Then from stage left Dr. Carson emerges from the shadows, arms out stretched, sutures and forceps dangling from his exposed brain. (applause) Count Trumpula frowns. "What the fuck? My people were told that he wouldn't be here. Where's Michaels?" Sparks fly from Carsonsteins' brain pan. He twiddles with the forceps and speaks in a low whisper. "Bare with me. I will heal thyself- self-self-self-self-self......" Trump punches him in the stomach and he smiles dimly and turns slowly to choke the count. "If the Jews just had guns the Nazis wouldn't have had a chance, Mr. Christie." the monster drools. Trump struggles and both men fall in a pile. The Latina women run off stage, as the camera pans the stunned audience, landing on one well dressed man. It's El Chapo. "LIVE FROM NY IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"

You can take it from there.